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Bessie Conquers

Bessie is fighting Cancer and will win!

Latest journal entry

What a relief.

Wow it has been a long time since I have written.  Many reasons for that really. Busy. The days are literally flying by.  However let me start where I left off. My third round of chemo.  I was able to spend some time with my friend Michaela.  I feel like I have waited for this for a long time.. She has been like a sister to me and she moved a few years back.  We both have kids so its very hard to schedule time.  Was so thankful that she took time out.  I was super mad when the nurses told me they were giving me Benadryl and I would probably sleep most of the time lol.  I managed to stay awake and talk her ear off. Honestly never hard for me to do, she gets me. Much needed time together.

The fourth time was time spent with my friend Summer.  This is crazy but she was my absolute best friend in middle school and after.  We lost touch through the years and reconnected lately.  I found out she lives in the neighborhood right behind me.  CRAZY! I really feel Gods hand in her living there.  And I love getting to know her as a mom and woman.  Its funny, when I was planning out my chemo schedule at the very beginning I actually planned on going alone lol.  I thought it might be a good break from things and I knew I would be tired,  After my first one that immediately changed and I am so grateful for the experiences I had each time. I will never ever forget my friends company, so thank you guys.!!  And with that I AM DONE Y"ALL!!!!  Done with chemo.  I am still feeling the fatigue quite a bit but I Am Done! Praise God

I am forever in debt to many of you,  you have brought me meals, folded my clothes, done my dishes, cleaned my floors, talked with me, brought me cookies, played with my baby boy, included Noah, sent cards, shaved your head, donated money, prayed for me, taken Noah's friends home when I couldn't drive, brought my groceries, gave me flowers, The lists go on forever.  I will never forget the way that you all have cared for me through this I am so grateful and Im not sure I could take all these steps with out you, So thank you . My heart is truly changed. At times I realize that there are thousands of people with the same diagnosis as me and they don't have the support I have.  I literally burst in tears at the thought of someone having to face this alone and then I am immediately brought back to how thankful I am that I don"t.  I pray all the time that that is what I hold onto. The feeling of community and an outreach of people who care, not all because they know me but because I am a person who needs to be shown she is worth it. And honestly thats what you have done, shown me my worth. and I hope I never forget what that feels like. 

  So the other day I was in Michaels.  Usually when Im in public I wear my hat, my bald head draws unnecessary attention.  But this day was an unusually sweaty day for me lol so I took it off and searched for what I needed.  As I was in the checkout line a woman touched my arm and whispered,"Where are you in your treatment?"  I told her that I was a week out from finishing my last round of chemo.  She said she was surprised to see me out and about.  I told her I couldn't wait to get the heck out of my house and just start feeling normal again. She said congrats on finishing and then it hit me that she too must be a survivor.  I asked her and she said it was 2 years ago that she was considered cancer free.  All this time we were talking she had her hand on my arm or my shoulder. She said that she too at the time had young ones and that it made cancer very real for her .  It was clearly a fight she wasn't planning to lose and she didn't.  The whole point I guess is that we all have experiences.  We can be swallowed up by them or we can allow our experiences to be used to touch others.  This particular woman was a bit of an angel and I could literally feel her praying for me as I left the building.  That was inspiring.  She lifted me up in that moment and I knew that at the end of all this I want to do the same thing.  That keeps me going.  I know some people might have been turned off by her, but not me,  God puts people in places on purpose.  To touch us and heal us.   The funny part is I may or may not ever see her again. And if I did I might not even now it, But she did something very important for me that day and I will never forget her. If I can find purpose in my pain God can use it and that will make it worth it.  

Well what a relief I am done..  I thought I would be just prancing around with joy. grossing everyone out with how happy I am but not exactly.  My Joy kind went away and fear took over.  It's like now that this huge life changing thing happened , what keeps me from having more terrible things happen and I just start freaking out!  Its hard to remember that its not up to me.  I had heard that is also very normal in a situation like this but Its hard to deal with.  I have felt mad that Im still going through it.  Like c'mon this is taking forever.  I just want to be done.  I have felt super glad to be done so I can get back to normal but my body isn't physically ready to do that. So that is an emotional struggle.  I have resented my schedule , because keeping up with 2 kids , 2 weeks after chemo is done is impossible and maddening.  Then remembering they are the reason I wake up everyday.  Its a lot.  So much to sort through internally and now the holidays are here and I got swallowed up in the hustle bustle like I do every year.  But I am finally back to grateful. I guess thats why I am writing again.  I have thought of you all often and tonight I was overwhelmed with the fact that you all are still reaching out to me, and I thank you.  Thanks for listening and I hope that you spend your holiday with people you love and that you can feel Gods peace.  Life is fast, slow down, look around, be thankful.  I am thankful for you. Merry Christmas.   Bes 



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