Today it has been four months since the incident. ONLY four months. Expectations for where we ‘should’ be seem to be all over the place. And, though some don’t believe it, the highest expectations are from Darrin for himself. Each day it is what it is. Darrin still is not physically released by trauma unit. Bones are not knitting completely. Emotionally the healing projection is much longer. There is much to learn and relearn. We are praying for patience and the energy to just persevere. It all takes time - - - and that can be discouraging, for him and for all of you.
Interestingly - - - one of the best “cures” is other people. And an ability to remember the essence of who we all were created to become - Intrinsically kind, good, funny, loving, generous human beings. Darrin is still Darrin: Encourageable, positive, thoughtful, hilarious, bright, kind and full of love for the most important thing to him - his friends and family. (And his dog Kenji!) Part of this illness is that sporadic disconnect with those attributes - either to feel them or project them. Granted, some of his process has been very vocal and visual (Facebook). It is hard to look at some of those expressions and associate them with the Darrin we know.
But the Darrin we know has also been masking symptoms for years. He didn’t know he could have had help, or that the imbalance he is suffering had origins not of his own making. He lived with false labels and tried to cope every day. In acknowledging the way that mask was ripped off so suddenly and drastically, it seems fair to allow for some time and space for an alternative presence to develop. For these first few months it has been starkly raw. It seems hard for all of us to find a balance to process all of that. It is uncomfortable. It has also has presented components that are bitterly sweet. Some are very close to it and have seen the courage and brutal review he has brought forth to make the great progress he has made. We honor him for that.
So here we are. With a LIVE Darrin. He did not think he would wake up in a hospital. He did not have a plan for how to act if his attempt was not successful. It is actually very brave of him to finally try to convey the depth of a loneliness that invades every fiber of body and soul and suggests that ending a physical life would actually stop that staggering pain. After keeping it “under wraps” for so many years it’s like a zit popped. Messy - - - but get the gunk out! That cleansing is necessary for the healing to take hold. Please just let him. This phase is passing. Yes, it is uncomfortable to see now, and disquieting that we may think we didn’t “see” it before. Why? Are you magic? Omniscient? The core essence of the Darrin you know is still Darrin - - - learning and growing. Where would he have been without you?
Now, where do we go? Believing that the best of the people you know and love is still there, and to help bring it back to the forefront, takes understanding, love and openness. Things change sometimes. Another word for change is opportunity. And it goes both ways. They need to reach back too - - - - but as they relearn (and they will) maybe we just need to stay the course. Communicate honestly and kindly. He won’t stay this way. We won’t stay this way. We are all growing and learning and moving on. Already. It is happening.
A few of the folks putting forth sentiments of impatience with this process may have dropped out of the picture, emotionally or physically. Thankfully there are a few dear souls who, even though they don’t fully understand all the pieces of this puzzle, are so willing to just be there. Thank you, thank you, thank you. God bless.
Having said that - - - some of the “cures” for emotional distress (others’ as well as our own) can be:
- · Patience – let people work their own process.
- · Service – What does someone else need? Fulfilling that need takes focus off your own problems and makes a little room for joy to seep into your soul.
- · The Danish have a word “Hygge” (Pronounced ‘hue-guh’) – they gather often in cozy settings incorporating:
o Mindfulness and feeling (being absorbed in the moment, not worrying about the past or future), engaging the senses (warm lights/candles, cocoa, fire) in full sensory experience without distractions.
o Gratitude and being positive
o Ease and Comfort
o Togetherness – we are all connected and are meant to complement one another. What color are their eyes? How soft is that sweater? What is their face showing you?
o Pleasure – slow down and enjoy small things
o Minimalism and quiet – Devices off. Read a book. Listen to the birds. Watch the snow (rain) fall.
This week is a week of Thanksgiving. Gonna focus on that! Happy holidays everyone.