We have been home for almost 2 weeks now. How the time passes so quickly, before we know it this stage of life will be in the far distance and we will be wondering how we ever got through it. Isn't that just how it always goes?!
We were discharged last Monday, the 7th around noon and we haven't stopped since. Sleepless nights, and getting our new normal down pat has been an adventure! Straight away after being discharged we got comfy in the place we are renting for the next couple months and stayed there till Friday, and then went back up north for the weekend. Camilla came down that Wednesday night with Ross and has been with us since... we are learning to navigate emotions as she adjusts to everything. *Side note* If any of you have suggestions for how to deal with jealousy, don't hesitate to comment your tricks, I'm all ears!!
Ella has been gaining weight absolutely wonderfully, and is currently tipping the scale at 11lbs 9.5 ounces!!! GO Babes!! We celebrate the little things around here, especially things like burps, poops. and weight gain. (The reality of Motherhood, I know many of you understand ;) When we left the hospital Monday, she was weighing 9.6 lbs. On Wednesday we went to her primary appointment and she was 9.13lbs. On Friday we went to her Gastroenterology appointment and she was 10.6lbs. And just yesterday, she weighed in at 11 lbs 9.5!!!! Her little body definitely needed that little reset and boost. Thank you God for guiding the hands of those who cared for her and continue to care for her, we are beyond grateful.
Ella came down with another respiratory illness, and has had a tough time bottling her full feeds, so the GJTube has come in real handy. What she doesn't finish via bottle, goes in her tube. This has been stressful and scary all in one, being she is so vulnerable to everything and doesn't have the normal strength as the baby next to her would have to fight it off. We are homebound and praying this passes quickly without any hospital stay. I had mentioned in my last post that we may still have a long journey ahead and with that the reality of how fragile her health is despite her being home makes it feel that we may just be on this journey for some time. Some days it feels heavy and hard to accept and some days it doesn't weigh my mind as much. We are meant to be in this place at this very time.
Being Ella is bottling every two to three hours for 30 to 45 minutes each time, and my pumping schedule intertwined with that... our nights have become something I certainly don't look forward to. By the time Ella is done eating and whether or not I have to pump - I have an hour or less to sleep before her next feeding. I have been falling asleep mid-feed and wake up in a panic realizing what I've done. The guilt is so intense. Survival mode is in high gear. The beautiful reminder of "This too shall pass" speaks volumes.
Asking for help has always been a struggle for me. I am learning but still get this feeling of frustration within whenever I do ask for help, its something many experience. This feeling of, "I'm the mom, I can and will do it all no matter how far I run myself into the ground". I had a powerful conversation with my sister Krit the other night and it was clear to me that my lack of communication to those around me not only hurt them, but has been the main contributer to stress and emotions. My survival mode instincts shut off for a quick second and an lightbulb went off. So to you out there feeling like you have to be supermom, superdad, super whatever you may be... know that asking for help is okay, and communicating your need for support will make your situation much easier to handle. I've realized people truly want to help, and turning it down due to pride is ignorance. The day we got back up north after being discharged, my sisters came over and completely reorganized and cleaned my house... I felt so undeserving and guilty for them doing so, but my goodness was it appreciated. Someday our little family will be able to help those going through difficult times in their life too, for now I can't help but let the tears of a grateful heart flow.
It is difficult to find time to journal now with each new adjustment, but I will continue writing when I get the chance. As I write today, I have Ella sleeping close and cant help but look at her in pure amazement for all that she has been through with a proud Mama heart too.
Thank you to all of you who continue to remember us, reach out, help us, and pray for our family too... We definitely feel undeserving but more grateful than one can put into words.
Hymn # 173 verse 1:
1. Oh, how shall I adore Thee / or thank thee for Thy grace, / or know Thy mercy's riches, / or rightly sing its praise? / Thy wonders who can fathom? / No mortal creature can. / O God how great Thy goodness, / Thy love for sinful man!