Well, tomorrow is my last chemo. I kind of can't believe it. I feel like it has gone so fast and yet really slow at the same time. I don't really know how to explain it....It's like, you are really tired for a few days, have symptoms for a week or so, then you have to plan your next weeks lessons and realize while you're planning that you have to make sure it is something the sub will understand. On the other hand, six months is a long time to have to go through that pattern. So, see? Fast AND slow. :)
Really though, even though chemo kind of sucks, I feel like this experience has been so eye opening. I know, I know... that is probably a pretty cliche thing to say.Years ago I use to wonder, down in the deepest and darkest part of my mind, if I ever got seriously injured or sick, who would care... Well, I got that answer and the outcome is pretty amazing. People genuinely care for other people. I mean, I know there are those super crazy people who make you wonder what is happening to our world, but that's what I've found to be true. People care about people. That thought just makes me feel at peace.
I really feel like this whole cancer thing has been a lot easier than I thought it would be. First, I had the realization that I most likely had cancer after I had some blood work done. I wasn't freaked out. It was like I knew already that I was going to have cancer. That might sound ridiculous, but even years ago I thought it was probably going to happen. I was totally ready to hear that that is what it was. Then, I went through the horrible and painful process of all of the other testing. HORRIBLE. After that, I met my awesome doctor (shout out to Dr. Houston Holmes!) and started the process of chemo. Honestly, my cancer is probably one of the easiest and most predictable cancers to have. I haven't really done a lot of research on the matter, but I was pretty lucky in the cancer department. So, even though it isn't lucky to get cancer, I am a very lucky person... but not just for the predictable cancer, but for everything else that I have realized during this six months.
I realized that God has blessed me. I realized the other day that I totally feel like I'm being carried by Him. How else would this all feel so easy? Yes, I have an amazing family who has been amazing through this whole thing, but how did they become so amazing and how was I so lucky for them to be MINE? God made them that amazing. God made them MINE. My heart has been completely opened. Before I had cancer I started working on my relationship with God and it was confusing and hard. Now there are still a lot of things that are unknown, but I know that whatever happens is a lesson that He is giving me to help me grow. He wants me to be my best and I want that too. I will stay positive, hopeful, and peaceful. Come what may. I feel totally calm. Like I said earlier... I am at peace.
So I would like to say a big thank you to all of the people who care. YOU are AWESOME!
After my LAST EVER CHEMO I still have some tests to do to see how my body has held up. Gotta check up on my lungs, my heart, and of course, my lymphnodes. I'll have my PET scan a month after my LAST CHEMO to see if the cancer is completely gone. When I know, I'll let you know. For the most part though, I'm going to go ahead and say I am cancer free. I asked Dr. Holmes if that would be okay and he said "that would probably be okay to say" with a smile on his face. Obviously without seeing scans he can't say "you can totally say that" because he is a doctor and can't say something like that unless he was one hundred percent sure... and he most likely wouldn't say the word totally, it just seems to be my word of choice today. Sooooooo..... YAY ME, I'M PROBABLY CANCER FREE. ;)
Again, thank you to everyone.