Shock and Denial ~ Dawns Grief Letter
I am living with my son Paul and his wife Sandy in Orange County and attending a weekly grief group at Saddleback Church. The leaders of our grief group have recently encouraged me to write a grief letter to my family and friends in an effort to communicate to you how I am doing and what help I need. I am moving out of the initial stage of grief, shock and denial and I am finding as I am moving into another stage the reality that Gary is gone, confusion and frustration are a consistent part of my daily life.
The leaders of my grief group also mentioned that it can be risky to write and send a letter like this one but writing can assist in recovering from such a devastating loss. The grief group defines recovering as being able to remember your loved one with happiness and not just tears and sadness. That is my prayer and hope.
Dear Friend, (Family, co-workers, volleyball and church friends, and so many others.)
Recently I have suffered a devastating loss. I am grieving and it will take months and even years for me to recover from this loss. I wanted to let you know that I will cry from time to time. Sometimes I will just burst into tears when it just doesn’t seem to make sense. I don’t apologize for my tears since they are not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith, they are a sign that I am brave and willing to feel the loss and tears are God’s gift to me to express the extent of my loss, and they are a sign that I am recovering.
All I know is that my emotions are so intense because of my grief. If I don’t always make sense to you, please be forgiving and patient with me. And if i repeat myself over and over or ask you to repeat yourself over and over please accept this, as normal, for now.
More than anything I need your understanding and presence. There are so many ways to stay present with me. You don’t always have to know what to say or do, if you think of me, pray for me. Please don’t wait for me to return your call, text, note or post on Posthope, sometimes I am too tired or tearful to do so. But I need you to continue to reach out to me and please know that when you do, it is very comforting to me.
Pray for me that I would come to see meaning in my loss and that I would know God’s comfort and love. It does help to let me know that you are praying for me. If you have experienced a similar kind of loss, please feel free to share that loss with me.....
This loss is so painful right now it feels like the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But, most days I know I will survive and recover, remembering my precious Gary with the same laughter and love we shared while he was here with me.
Thank you for caring about me. Thank you for listening and praying for me. Your concern comforts me and is a gift for which I will always be thankful.
“Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning my strength fails because of my affliction and my bones grow weak. Psalm 39: 9-10 ~ God is faithful.
Comments (20)
I care very much about you and what happens to you. Know that I think of you often, and you continue to be in my prayers.
I care for you Dawn and am so sorry that you are going through this - I will pray for peace in your heart. - Love Lori Adragna
We pray and think of you daily. You don't need to reply to our texts, or calls, or emails, we are standing firm for you. Those of us who've not experienced your loss so intimately still feel a loss. Thank you for letting us know how we can pray and be helpful to you...you're right, our God is faithful!!! Dawn, you are not alone. Your Father knows your name. He knows the number of hairs on your head. He is there for you to turn to in these exact instances. He blesses you each and every day with a new morning. We love you! Gary and Nanette
God Bless you Dawn. Please know I still pray for you.
I love you. Sorry I've been so silent in the last month and a half. Seems like life is always a challenge and I'm scrambling to keep up, but I am doing well and wish to be a blessing to those in greater need than I. May God continue to carry you through this journey, lifting your burdens and periodically (and more and more often, I pray) putting a song of joy in your heart and a skip in your step between the times of mourning, or even concurrently with them (an odd but precious occurrence - how we can experience joy and sorrow concurrently). I pray there will always be someone stepping into the gap to bring you encouragement when any of the rest of us is silent. Jesus promised never to leave us comfortless: John 14:18 "I will not leave you comfortless. I will come to you." Deuteronomy 10:18 "He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing." When I was looking for that scripture, I found a website of encouraging scriptures for widows: https://www.widowmight.org/node/58 Love you! --Linda
Amen Dawn. Everything you said is right on. You are doing well. Many tears are a testament to the depth of the love you have for Gary. They are cleansing. They will come and go like the ocean waves. I'm praying for you. Love, Phylis
Dearest Dawn, My heart aches for you and I do think of you and pray for you often. Thank you for writing and sharing your heart. I'm so glad you are going to the grief group and pray it well be as helpful to you as it was to me when Denny died seven years ago today. Grieving is not a quick or easy process and the reality of your great loss comes about slowly. Your head knows Gary is gone but your heart is much slower to to recognize that as reality or find meaning or understanding. Gary's life on this earth is over but his legacy lives. Your life here is still building a legacy and this is part of your journey, a part none of us would ever choose. You are still in the very early stages of this grieving process and I think you are doing well to allow yourself to openly grieve. Hold on to Jesus and let Him hold you. He will not fail you. Love and Prayers, Kathy
Oh Dawn, your writing is so eloquent and full of heart. Our precious Savior, the Man of sorrows, is acquainted with grief and I know He is well acquainted with yours. I am praying for you as you walk this painful and mysterious journey.
Love you so much Dawn! Praying and knowing that you will be used in Great ways...
I have never met you Dawn and knew Gary only through LQHS volleyball and a one-time chat at DSVC I probably represent a bunch of people who are similiar to me, people who don't really know you but still are thinking of you, interested in knowing how you are doing, and when reading something like this, will go and pray for you. I think your letter was awesome and so very brave to write. Some times we don't know how people are doing and so I'm glad you just put it out there and let people know. very raw, very cool. Since I have never been through this, I appreciate knowing what you need and how you are feeling. You're amazing. Take the time you need. God has great plans for you. Thinking of you
Thank you for sharing this Dawn. You are in my prayers and thought of so often. Keep letting your needs be known, and know you are being lifted up.
Dawn, I don't know you, but feel as though I am coming to know you as you have been so honest and transparent on this journey. I was thinking of you today: wondering how you are, where you are, when and how I might learn what was happening. I knew that the only way I would hear would be if I happened to run into Paul and Nelda at church or if you posted anything to this site. However, I limit God's infinite wisdom and care and control, and suddenly here is your post today...at the same time I was thinking of you. Please know that I am praying for you...When I thought of you earlier today, the mantra running through my head was God has a bigger plan than we can even imagine, God knows the whole picture, God sees the end of this suffering. I am continually amazed at your willingness to express your anguish, your deepest emotions and your faithfulness in the God who loves us. I am praying for you, Dawn. I am thankful that you are sharing your journey through grief. God will use your journey to touch lives in ways you may never know. You are loved. Blessings to you, Dawn. I am praying for you...
Dear Dawn, We think, pray, love, and care about you. Hold onto your Wonderful Lord Jesus each day, especially now and HE will become dearer to you. You need Him and He needs you.
Dawn, I followed you some when you dear husband was still in his battle. My heart totally relates and understands what life is like for you right now. I've lost my parents, my mom died at 57 from cancer, and I was only 33, then lost my husband to cancer when I was 48 and still had an 11 year old at home. Now, 16 months ago I lost my very best friend in all the world,to cancer, she was my first born child, and was 43. I have gone through every form and stage of grief known. I have walked this road and prayed that God would not only help me through it each time, but would never allow me to suffer that again, only to experience now the loss of a daughter, which I have found to be by far the hardest to recover from. I am praying for you dear friend. I know what each and every minute of grieving feels like. You are strong in the Lord, and thankfully you are leaning on God to walk through this valley with you. It's the only way. I'm glad you are in a great supporting church and are finding. (your way) to heal a minute at a time. Know that I am praying for you and asking for Gods healing touch and mercy on you. You are surrounded by those who care, even if we never have met, we will some day, and for now, we are in this together by sharing. Pat Klecka
Love you, Dawn. Thank you for sharing this with us, and sharing it so beautifully. <3
Dawn, I don't know you, and only met Gary once at Kings School. I did follow you thru Post Hope, and want you to know that I still pray for you. Thank you for sharing . You are loved . Julie
Very well written Dawn. I have been praying for you. I need to go to a grief group myself this letter was beautiful and helpful. Thank you.
Dear Dawn, I am so glad that you have found a GriefShare group. If you come back to Santa Cruz we would also welcome you with open arms in our group at TLC that is starting on Sept 10th. You can attend GriefShare and go through the class as many times as you feel the need as each time is a different group and a different experience as you are always in a different place on your grief journey. Here is a quote that was sent to me this morning that I would like to share with you: "Grief never ends....but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith...It's the price of love." You are in our prayers Dawn and thank you so much for your honest words in your letter. As hard as it is to be honest about how you are doing, that is an important part of your grief journey. In His Arms, Carrie Clark
You are in our prayers Dawn. We pray that you find strength and peace everyday. You are doing so well with what you were faced with. All our love, Lori, Dave and Hannah
Dawn: I feel your pain, and I feel the loss you feel... I will call, as I want to see soon. Love the horses.