Well, it has been one year. Betsy and I aren't sure if it feels like it went by fast or if it has seemed to take longer, but we are sure that time has been bent and our reality distorted. I struggled this weekend but not due to the same challenges, new ones.
I am a fixer. Fixing things is not only how my brain works but how I perceive the world and how I find a sense of importance and relevance. Un-fixable things are frustrating for me and must be corrected or have to be thrown out for sanity's sake as something beyond my control. It is only after the heave-ho that I can relax and return to my center and find personal happiness in the broken-ness. Obviously, I have been locked in fix mode.
But fixing, or rather the need to fix, based on my own notions of "broken-ness" (and those notions are often variable from person to person) is opposed to acceptance. This has been where my life has been for a year. Wanting and hoping to fix Grayson through health, happiness, healing, meds, therapy, familiar, friends and love, stir and apply liberally. And I don't want to act like we haven't seen tremendous growth and healing but he is not fixed.
Betsy helped me to understand how my fixing response was impeding my ability to accept Grayson 3.0. And maybe my own efforts to be the master fixer have kept me from the joy of my boy. We are glad beyond words to be able to have our son, to be wrapped in his love and to be told daily about his appreciation for what has been happening. And it has been this admission that has kept me in the doldrums for so long. I never once put a limit on his healing, always held hope for a full recovery and never withheld an opportunity for something I felt would contribute to his fixing, AKA he is still broken. I have to learn to remember that I have been given a gift of time with my son, that bent is better than absent, that Grayson is the same unpredictable person as always and just as deserving of my appreciation and acceptance for him as always. The sun or the clouds is a matter of perspective and point of view, neither truly evil in its own right, each playing its part of the whole.
So, one year later I am accepting that I will not fix him but I can love him more wholly by fixing myself. Gray, I am sorry it has taken me so long to allow myself to love you for the man you are not just as a thing that needs to be fixed by me.