Not long ago Jon and I decided we wanted to help while we wait. We signed up to do respite care which is basically foster parent to foster parent baby sitting for over 24 hours. Within a week we got a call! Our first little one came to us for a weekend, a sweet little 2 month old girl baby. We had so much fun snuggling her and tending to her every whim. Ben cried when she had to leave, even though she is being fostered by long time friends of ours who promised he would see her again. No sooner did our first little one leave than our next arrived. We had only Monday between the leaving of one and coming of the next. Our second little girl was a bit older than Ben but had a rough road that led to her being cognitively closer to 8-12 months of age. We enjoyed her company for 10 days before we saw her off back to her home. Ben struggled a lot more with this sweet girl being in our home because she didn’t understand that there was enough love and attention for the both of them and so she took out her aggression on him. He extended such grace to her every time, almost too much because he refused to admit her abuse even when it was witnessed. He was so afraid someone would be upset with her that he hid it, even after several explanations that she can’t learn if no one knows. He is such a gentle kid and so kind hearted. After she left he went back to asking all the time when we would get a baby and if it was time for us to have a turn to bring a baby home. In his mind, anyone younger than his mature 3 1/2 years is considered a baby. He is longing for that connection and desires so badly to have a sibling in our home. He talks about Noah and Jacob all the time and often remembers facts about our time in Sacramento with Noah that I had completely forgotten. The wait has gotten quite draining but I try to remember that it will be worth it one day. The days of waiting and day dreaming will end and I will be too busy keeping up with life to remember them. God has been working on us in so many ways, we have gone from preparing for a specific child to preparing for any child that He calls us for. He has used this to show us the pros and cons of growing our family through foster care. We have learned the strength of our commitment to His plan. To be honest there are days when it feels like it would be easy to remove ourselves from the waiting list and take our crib down. It feels like it would be easier to accept the lack of little ones in our home if it was by our choice and not because we are waiting to drop what we are doing to run to the phone. There are times when I want to just be thankful for the family we have and count it a blessing that we only need one car seat or only have one kid to take to Disneyland. There are times when I wonder if being an only child is more of an advantage than a slew of siblings. And then there are days when I hold my boy and hear that he wants a sibling, where my mama heart wants to fill the other arm, days when scripture points me to growing my family and helping others at the same time, days when my heart erupts with sadness at the thought of not holding another tiny hand and hearing mama said by another little voice. Jon has helped me remember that this isn’t just about my feeling vulnerable but about our decision as a family to accept this calling and wait on His timing. I never thought that waiting would be something we would experience through foster care, really I expected more of the opposite if anything. I find myself going over our two respite kiddos and thinking how it was having each of them in our homes and realize how they both broadened our horizon on what we were willing to accept in a placement and yet narrowed down some things that might be less easy for us to accept. We are still waiting on “the call” but for now we will continue to take calls.
“to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.”