Calm. That's how I am feeling. There is no resistance, just a complete flow happening in my heart and life right now. My last surgery I was so nervous, anxious, scared, worried. I have zero worry or concern but not just in regards to my surgery tomorrow but about anything at the moment. It's not even a practice I've sought out, it's just been happening slowly as I've been able to release more control in my life and about my life.
At the beginning of this process I had this misconception that I was in pursuit of something. That I needed to find something I was missing or something I needed to discover or a place I needed to arrive. But what was I looking for and when would I arrive? There really is no arriving at anything or any destination to be at, it is simply being and being in the process of living every day with intention and the ease of life begins to flow and unfold organically.
Even the process of facing the fear of our own mortality. When there is no fear about it, there is then only living to be happening. I don't know that I've completely reconciled that process but I can tell you how much fear I have carried in my life with a checklist of "what-if's" and "worst possibles" for a variety of things. There is so much I wouldn't consider doing because the worst may happen. It has only kept me confined and trapped and ultimately in fear. It has been an absolutely liberating process to check fear at the door and start fully living and experiencing life.
It has been a relaxing few weeks over the holidays. I celebrated my birthday with my sweet friends Tracy & Maria, Had a visit from my sister, Jenn who spent Christmas with us and .we had snow that started Christmas eve and we woke up to a snowy morning Christmas day. It was the most perfect and quiet year and I loved it.
I got back into a birthday tradition that I had kept for many years and sometime along the way let it go. I always used my birthday like people used their New Years Resolutions. It was always a time to reflect on my accomplishments and write some things down I wanted to try in the next year. It was especially therapeutic to pick this tradition back up this year and I have many things to look forward to doing and trying.
My body scans I had after Chemotherapy in December came back clear and that was a huge relief. They didn't anticipate finding anything but it was still a relief. Tomorrow will just be a resection of tissue from the original site of disease and make sure the margins come back clear. It is an outpatient surgery and I should be home later in the day. I will be recovering over the next month and then I will start radiation in about 4 weeks. It feels amazing to be in the final stretch of treatments.
This experience and process has gifted me with so much growth. It definitely has given me a new perspective on life and there is no doubt it has been a teacher for me on so many levels.
I continue to give my thanks to you. I recognize so many prayers continue to be said on my behalf and the support I feel is incredibly encouraging. Sending my love back to each and every one of you.