Last night I heard the wood thrush calling,
In the evening like they sing.
I saw you standing by the water,
Out on the brink of everything,
On the brink of everything.
Yeah, all the things that used to matter,
No, they don’t mean so much today.
Toss the seeds and let them scatter,
The birds and wind take them away,
Til there is nothing in my way.
From the song On the Brink of Everything, Carrie Newcomer
I find it hard to put my thoughts into words today. Not because of my brain cancer or treatment—these appear stable at the moment. It seems I’m in a new space, a new reality where words fail. I’ll try to explain.
On the medical side, I’m managing chemo better. With more energy, I recently began pushing my limits a bit in order to build stamina. On Wednesday, I had a brief focal seizure in my tongue after two months of being free of them. Disappointing. After Christmas, I’ll start meds to settle my brain electrics and let me be more active. If that doesn’t work, I’ll know to back off a little.
In my soul places—that labyrinth of wonder—there’s much rearranging to make room for coming challenges, leaving lots to throw out. For example, I don’t have time for shame. Judgment seems increasingly unnecessary, and goal setting needs to prove its worth too. Also, hope is treacherous ground to be avoided—who knew? I’ve come to appreciate the new emptiness, this increasing not knowing, the waiting.
David is incredibly steadfast in his support. As many know, David lives with his heart wide open. He leads with his creativity and curiosity, and approaches caregiving with this same passion, a priceless gift to me. His task now is so very different from mine, and truly, much harder.
But don’t be fooled, we are not “doing so well.” We are not “brave.” There's been no choice here. We may be able to inch closer to the Brink of Everything than some others, but the precipice is just as foreign, just as disorienting.
Today we celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary and are reminiscing. Lots of laughter as we look back. We’ve done a lot of stuff, man!
NEXT PUB NIGHT: Tuesday, January 8, 2019, from 6 to 8 PM. Please visit with us at the usual spot: Elite Brewery and Cidery, 1319 Edmonton Trail NE. Street parking along Edmonton Trail begins at 6 PM.
Merry Christmas and a blessed New Year to you all!