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Annalisa Stevens Jones - Journal

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Posted 2019-07-09T19:51:52Z

Been away for too long

I've been struggling.  The RA: Especially my feet and legs.  My hips are beginning to ache as well.  As RA patients know, it just progresses.  Family problems:  I think I'm feeling sorry for myself even though I know that's not the solution.  I just have a couple members of family left and one I'm trying to connect with doesn't try to connect with me, (my mom).  The other (ex step-dad) is very sick and dying, and because my other family member did some not so good things to him, his family won't allow me to see him just because I'm her daughter.  Im praying for God to show me the way through this.  And to teach my daughters all the things I learn everyday.  So that they will not end up the lost, tortured soul I once was.  [...]

Posted 2019-02-21T09:01:00Z

Just Another Chronic Wednesday

    I started to write this entry days ago.  I've had to edit some things since.  I was having a bad day at work.  I needed to vent, and needed a break.  Then a man I just met witnessed me walking slow to check the contents of a trailer, and I'm sure my face looked distressed. He asked if I was feeling okay.  Now most of my life I had always answered that question with a "just fine" or "pretty good"  because I was a people pleaser.  These days it's mostly "great",  "fantastic",  or  "fabulous"  if my pain is low , or "you don't wanna know", "pretty frickin shitty" or something like that if pain is running high.  I said to the man, "well I haven't decided", and I mentioned something about my body feeling stiff.  The response was one I'd heard so many times before.  It goes something like this.  "Oh wait til you get to be my age and you'll know what stiff is!"   He then sprinted back to his truck and hopped into his seat.  I'm glad he could do that.  I envied him.  The fact is that  I AM ALREADY  VERY SICK.   2 YRS. AGO I WAS DIAGNOSED WITH AN AUTOIMMUNE DISEASE THAT WILL LAST FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.  It is in my blood.  And it will continue .  THERE IS NO CURE. [...]

Posted 2019-02-14T13:43:00Z

Sleepless Valentines Day

     I've had a day and night off of work and filled that time with bouts of rest and restlessness.  Being single and feeling the loneliness my RA has produced are consistent factors here.  I try hard not to dwell, but physically and mentally, my body and my being cannot stop itself from feeling.  At least I feel good about this journal entry because I have a desire to confess and share ongoing events of my life living with Rheumatoid Arthritis.  Yet I stall and dismiss putting these feelings into text or conversation out of fear.  Fear of others thinking I'm being selfish, or whining, or seeking attention.  I think that way,  because there are some who have responded to me with those words or similar actions.  I need help, support, and encouragement from others, but usually fear asking for it.  Those persons lack the knowledge of what RA really is and the aftereffects that will continue the rest of my life.  I need people to "hear" what I say and I would like to receive some validation regarding these confessions.  I am afraid of my failing health, yet I have so much desire to experience and accomplish certain things in this life.  This includes finding true love,  and leaving my 2 daughters equipped with the tools that may help lead them through lifes obstacles, and to trust in God, and attain true peace and happiness.[...]