Anger, frustration, annoyance... that's just a few of the feelings that overcame me at the end of my 24 week ultrasound. It was almost like a replay of Ezio's ultrasound all over again and I was not going to let Satan have a foothold.
My follow up anatomy scan was scheduled for November 30th and as I patiently waited over an hour to be seen, Franky, next to me, was getting quite antsy and irritated. For a God given reason though, I had a ton of patience to spare that afternoon and simply trusted God had a reason for the LONG wait.
When we did finally go back, our scan was started by a maternal fetal medicine(MFM) doctor because the ultrasound technicians were so backed up. She, being pregnant with her second child herself, was laid back and we quickly established a good relationship. I was hoping a quick check of the baby's lower back and bottom would be all that was needed, but, of course, they scanned the entire baby again too. About 45 minutes in, she had just about everything she needed, but she wanted a couple more good photos of the heart and the baby didn't want to cooperate for those photos. After turning this way and that, an ultrasound tech came in and began to get to work. Already I felt a shift in the atmosphere. She too had me turn to different positions and at one point, turned to the MFM doctor in the room and asked, "Have they gotten a fetal echo yet?" The silence that followed I could only fill with my nurse knowledge of what likely occurred - the MFM probably shook her head silently at the tech and gave her the look of "they don't know anything about the heart yet." Soon after that comment, they finished up and said they'd return with the doctor who would read the exam.
Since the comment, my anger had begun boiling, but I refused to let it show because I was fighting an internal battle of truth and trust... plus, Khloe was a great distraction! Another doctor returned with the two previous team members who did my exam and basically explained, without certainty, it looked like the bottom part of my baby's ventricles in the heart were slightly enlarged. They would be scheduling me a visit with for a fetal echo (a detailed ultrasound of my baby's heart) just to check and be certain of what they saw in pictures.
Boy, if I were the sun, I would have been shooting flares out in anger. I put on a smile, thanked them for their time as they left the room, and got ready to leave. Once in the car, my slow boil became rapid as I expressed my thoughts to my husband and mother. We were NOT doing this again. The devil was NOT going to sneak in and try to steal my joy.
The days that followed, I simply became angrier and angrier every time I thought of getting the echo. I talked extensively with Franky about it and eventually received a call from the midwife about the results. With her, I expressed all the feelings I had; getting an echo wouldn't change anything, they wouldn't do any interventions while the baby was still within me, it was a waste of money, no matter the results, the baby would still be born, I'm already getting continuous monitoring because I am planning on having a VBAC (vaginal birth after csection), since it was a higher level ultrasound to begin with, I feel like the tech was just looking for something to be wrong and if you look hard enough, you will find it, and last but not least, what I went through with Ezio did not change the outcome of birthing him. All of those weekly appointments and sometimes up to three a week as I neared the end of my pregnancy still ended with Ezio being born a fighter. All those appointments did was cause me more anxiety, loss of sleep (since I was still working nights full time and occasionally going to appointments right after work), and lots of tears.
Thankfully, my midwife was as understanding as she could be, and simply said, "Let me know what you decide either way."
The fetal cardiology team had already scheduled me for an appointment by this time and I had five days to make my decision. That's when I took time everyday to put into practice one of the many lessons God and Ezio taught me, look for peace. Where would I have the most peace? I talked to my husband who wanted to get the exam to just get it over with and then be done. I talked with my mother who thought the exam would be a good idea, but wanted me to follow my heart. I talked to God who basically said, "The decision is yours." Then, I prayed for peace. I carefully weighed each idea: Get the fetal echo, don't get the fetal echo? Back and forth I went and the day before my appointment, I made up my mind. I was cancelling the appointment.
It came down to this: when I thought about going to the exam, if they said, "yes, there is something wrong with the heart," I would be angry because they can't do anything about it until the baby gets here anyways and I've wasted my time, if they said, "your baby's heart looks fine! It was probably just the way the baby was positioned", I would still be angry because I would still have wasted my time. Then, I thought about not going to the appointment, and the peace was literally screaming at me. I mean, no anger, no frustration, just overwhelming peace and trust in God. After all, who really is in control of this situation? Not man. God may have allowed man all of these advancements and interventions, but they are still man made and prone to LOTS of errors. God is the ultimate decision maker and He alone can give me what I need as well as my child.
"Trust in the Lord with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6