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Ryne Spitzer - Journal

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Posted 2020-06-28T19:16:36Z

6-28-20

Okay. Hello.

I really wanted to post yesterday, but it was just too hard. To be 6 months exactly since Tami crossed over and also be what would have been our 33rd wedding anniversary was a little much for me. Don’t get me wrong. I am happy for her to be where she is, but we were partners you see. It is just yesterday it seems that we were headed to the airport in the back seat of my Maxima. The 28th we would arrive in Santago, Dominican Republic with no luggage. Somehow they lost our luggage, but times were different then. They gave us money each day that our luggage was missing to buy clothing. We just didn’t even care, except of course finding some make-up, ha. Our first cab showed up after we called for a ride. It was a 65’ Chevy Impala with bad shocks and a big trunk. Too bad we didn’t need the big trunk. After arriving at our resort, our new best friend Maximo got us into our room and then out to the tiki lamp lit bar/lounge. As our first beverage arrived so did Maximo to tell us our real taxi driver was upset we were not at the airport after calling for him. Hmmmm? Maximo immediately knew what to do and reminded us of the spirit for our visit, “No Problemo. Maximo will take care of it!”. (Who knew he spoke in 3rd person?) A million kisses later, and a motorcycle day trip, a horse back ride into the mountains and another horseback ride on the beach, a hundred dances singing to only the two of us and then what? I blinked! Now I wonder how it got from yesterday to today. We were each others spiritual anchor line, best friend, confidant, co-parent, dance partner, idea bouncer offer, and lover. We were each others second favorite. God was in first place, and how lucky were we to share our firsts at the same time. I felt her here yesterday, and also at the cabin. I got to tell her I loved her, and that it’s okay to find my Godfather Vern Tollas. He is tending the vineyard and saving me a place. She has so many places now to worry about. The Garden, The Clock, and now The Vineyard. I will need to wait till my time is through. I have lots of nieces, nephews, and grandkids to meet down the road, and they all need to hear her story. God knows.[...]

Posted 2020-06-22T15:29:00Z

6-22-20

Good morning. I hope everyone had an enjoyable Fathers’ Day. I know for some it was hard, but memories can indeed sustain us and remove some of the bitter sting of a loved ones absence. For me, I was sustained by my children. I was able to spend it with all three, which warmed my heart. I believe Ryne had a good day. He seemed to really relax into the shower and there were no issues with residual for feedings. He was kind enough to hold tightly enough to the pen to write out quite a card. It was not in a language I could read, but it was in one I could appreciate. I was able to have some time in the morning to tell Ryne a little story. Niki too. She drove down from Elk Grove in the morning and made breakfast. She spent the day with Ryne, Cale, Ariana, and myself as we learned some card games, had a great dinner, and off she flew to home and more study in her Nurse Practitioner program. What a blessing to have us all together on a day I missed their momma in such a difficult way. But I digress...I told Ryne over a month ago that I had planted seeds that I found Tami had placed in the pantry for growing herbs. Three times a day I watered these seeds, and my hopes began to become reality as miniature versions of the pictures on the seed packages began to push above the surface of the neatly prepared parcel of soil. Then, as if to knock me down a notch there was almost nothing. Tami had said the time was not important, but she would meet me in the garden, and that somehow I would know what that meant. Well, I thought this was it, yet all at once the seedlings were gone but for a couple tiny sprouts out of many. What could have happened. I imagined the gardeners. Either crushed under foot while trimming more substantial foliage, or perhaps extricated by a well meaning attendant as they were misconstrued for miscreant weed visitors of some sort. I continued to water, but to no avail. It was but a moment that I allowed lamentation to creep in as I grasped the half full glass of mislabeled remorse and shifted gears. Clearly I had erred in my garden plans and God had never intended for seeds to create my emotional portal, but perhaps I needed a more substantial gesture. I went on a bit of a prowl through Lowes only to miss any herbal opportunities on first pass. But, as I left I hit paydirt so to speak, and all of the plants required were staring back like puppies waiting for adoption. I procured tomato, jalapena pepper, bell pepper, cilantro, rosemary, thyme, roma tomato, sage, and oregano in the already grown plant form, and potted. They sat for only a day, watered twice in their unplanted but oriented position above the ground they were about to explore. Saturday had me attending to other items until planting time in the cool of Saturday evening. After getting holes dug and plants secured, I set up a sprinkler. Now it was just letting the irrigation cycle run to properly adjust the position and volume of water flow. As I sat on the bench that Michael had brought to contribute to Tami’s legacy I realized that many cycles may need to run before I am rewarded with water, so a short glass of wine seemed an appropriate tribute. As I sat there waiting the cycle next to me in the grass started. This did not include the tube transporting the water to my sprinklers of interest, but we were closer. I started to feel occasional drops of water. I looked to see if it was coming from the newly flowing grass sprinklers, as that was the most likely source. No, they were functioning well. I looked up and the very clear sky of the earlier day had transformed to slightly overcast just above us. The driveway and pickup were without water drops from my seated vantage, yet still I felt drops, and then a few more. It was lightly raining on my new garden. The grass sprinkle had moved on yet here was the still occasional drops on the newly planted crop reminding me of, what? Divine raindrops? Tears? Or perhaps my imagination? What was I seeing/feeling here? I decided that it is not for me to know why, but only to accept that it is, and that that will need to be enough. Okay.[...]

Posted 2020-06-15T13:56:00Z

6-15-20

So, for starters let’s talk about Ryne. He is really getting stronger. Taylor said he pulled his legs way up in the air yesterday alone. She came into Ryne’s room to tell me this as I was explaining to Ryne about the weekend. Ryne had been looking at me and listening. As I gave him details he pursed his lips and made expressions in response. Then he decided to stretch a little and reposition in a way I had not seen him do to date. As he vocalized a “nhnnnnnhhhhnnhaaaah” he pulled both legs into the air and into a frog-like position and twisted and side bent his torso on his hips as he stretched from side to side and lifted slightly as he turned his head from side to side as well. Once positioned he looked back at me to see if I had more to say. Taylor did. She said, “See!”. 
I wish that Ryne could have seen all of the kids at the lake and at the cabin. AJ’s family came up to the cabin on Saturday morning early anticipating an adventure on the lake. The adults were a little bummed that it was what will turn out to be the coldest day of this month, but kids are capable of just being kids, and all 9 of them, being all under the age of 8, and not seeing each other for 3 months, were ready to roll out fun. I knew of a nice island on the lake where the leeward side was graced with a sandy shore, easy to make our home port. There was 22 of us, so two shifts of 11 plus got us into our safe haven. While some would explore, and some would swim, and some would relax, and while some would entertain, all would find contentment in a world away from the world.[...]

Posted 2020-06-08T14:18:00Z

6-6-20

So, how are we supposed to walk the same as before? My outrigger and my compass were both taken away. There seemed to be so much to take care of that between those things and Ryne I had not let reality sink in. Niki, Cale, AJ, and Ariana helped immensely. Close friends were incredible. I knew the ton of bricks would come at some point. It arrived. It was subtle at first, and somewhat like a train in low gear, but all of the weight moving it was not going to stop on it’s own. No sir. Once insinuated it was almost like a truth dragon. I guess I needed Balchor to say, “It’s going to be okay.”. Good does win out over evil, and you are stuck in the evil while she navigates the good. Is Jesus like Atreu, and it is saved at the last minute. Odd really, since in our spot the stories had been told and the book was already written. Still, here we wondered what to do just waiting for our version of the miracle in the way it fit our individual stories. Nope. You see, it is God’s story, not ours, that is being told. We are characters in the individual sonnets, but we are not really the heroes unless God means us to be. Some are. Abraham, Isaac, Joshua, Joseph, Moses, Zechariah, Mary, John, Saul, Daniel, David, and so many others. What about those removed who are profoundly along God’s path like Enoch, Ruth, Judas Maccabee, Elizabeth, and the witnesses we still do not know. It is too large to manage more than our part of the story. Ryne’s part, Tami’s part, your part, and others. Grandmas and Grandpas and significant others in many many ways have a place for their testimony in the chambers that harbor remembored love, rekindled a generation or more from now. We never know what does Not happen for our effort, but does it matter? We are called for the effort, and for a commitment to truth. No more, and no less. Can we? Will we be what God has called us to be before we were born? Can we? I say yes. We can try enough to do. 
F&P[...]

Posted 2020-06-01T15:00:00Z

6-1-20

There are times that help define your passage through time. These are such times. I am glad that Tami is not here to fear these times. Ryne? He seems as though nothing has changed his slow methodical baby step path inexorably headed to ...where? We still don’t know his end game here. This last week Bob (thanks) came, and he felt there was only minimal rust, but otherwise picked right up where he left off two and a half months ago. He was initially having a hard time with the eye focus on the involved hand, but then started to get the idea of our requirement. He had good strength, and I look forward to Ryne’s next attempt. 
The past week has shown us even more the power of miscommunication. People are inherently given good streaks until portrayed by bad people to seem different than they are. When George Floyd was murdered in a dehumanizing act by a rogue law enforcement agent there was much wrong with the situation. Widespread racism was not one of them, yet here we are being told it is while flames burn away at the pent up discontent, fanned by the winds of hatred in individuals destroying what is not theirs to stray to accomplish some as yet unknown task. Agitaters again are being paid to create a show of hatred meant to create a narrative outside of the truth. The neighborhoods they need are being destroyed in a way that eats at the fabric of previously negotiated healing. Now fear and discontent can push aside community and collaboration. First herded, and now given the fuel for emotional fervor, we find ourselves at the event horizon of fighting our brothers once more. Republican sympathies won out over democratic archaic bigotry the last time we fought one another on the battlefield of our own back yard. When an individual outside the social norm commits an atrocity we are led to believe a thousand wrongs must make a right. If only enough destruction can occur some good will be accomplished, right? If there are senseless deaths along the way in brutal uncontained aggression it will be somehow less morally corrupt. That somehow the already sympathetic would now be more engaged in the continued repair seems like an unlikely conclusion to the violent movement we find ourselves in the midst of. When someone of high moral fiber falls at the hands of someone steered into the headlights of reckless discontent, who is the victim? We all are. If you doubt the work of the enemy you are missing the spiritual precipice we find ourselves teetering on. It was already tipped when colleagues allowed an atrocity in the making as they stood by with idled hands, either by their own apathy, or by other methods unseen in public display. Now the same kind of soulless fire is burning down the spiritual bridges of our communal humanity. These fires are set by whom? The abject hatred against those who would support your cause only yesterday is whispered to you by whom? What happens tomorrow when your mistake of today is reviewed in your own soul, or in your dreams. Fear, division, discontent, isolation. These are the time honored tools of the Devil. When you step across that line never forget who you are now serving. We need to be better. I do not recognize color any more than hair style or clothing can change the content of ones character. Right now...what character are you going to show, and who is guiding your show? 
WWJD?[...]

Posted 2020-05-20T06:12:30Z

5-19-20

I just am having a hard time figuring this out I guess. I just really have teary moments of not understanding that Tami is gone. “She just can’t be.”, is what my brain tells me. I saw a pic From a year ago when we were up at the cabin with Ryne, and it just seemed like yesterday. I had a rather unusual dream that took me down near a beach for some reason. I walked near a wall and this really tall poodle like dog came up to me. I did the natural scratch behind the ears thing and gave a little head/neck hug and it used both front legs to give me a giant hug. It was pretty cool. I all at once felt like someone was watching me, and when I looked the left it was Tami. I smiled, and she gave me a little chin up “hey”, and a come here. I walked over to find Cale laying next to her shivering and her just looking maternal. Some other guy seemed cold like Cale and also wanted to cuddle up next to Tami, but I wanted to. I sat down next to Cale and just gave the guy a kind of “see ya” look, and he seemed to disappear. It was just us on the wall seat, and then my alarm went off. She was so healthy and relaxed looking. Wet hair from the water and a towell around her shoulders and a sultry smile. But my alarm went off! Now I was awake, but smiling. Later that day I learned a dear friend had been visited twice. Alli said a monarch butterfly twice came to her patio. When I told Ryne tonite and asked him if he had been visited he gave a very hearty gulp/swallow. When I asked to clarify and to embrace that visit I again got the strong gulp/swallow and a turn of the head to meet my face. What am I to do? Well, I guess go to the cabin this weekend and grasp that memory. In strength, and in faith. Nothing more. 
Except of course, the Lake.[...]

Posted 2020-05-11T05:04:50Z

5-10-20

Happy Mother’s Day.

Sorry to be late on that, but this was a tough one for us. Tough one for Ryne too. He had a couple of teary times today, but all in all looks great. This morning I came out to releive the night nurse Holli at 6:50am. I was reeling a bit as I tried to process the night I had just completed. I woke up a couple of times, but it was the 4 am one that had me scratching my head. I was in the midst of some deep sleep when I was awakened by a strong voice saying “Good morning.” at 4:08am according to the projected clock on my ceiling. It was so strong and real that I verbally said out loud “Good morning” back. I was very awake for about an hour until I drifted back to sleep. When I came out to ask Holli how Ryne had done she said that he slept well until about 4am, when he woke up and stayed awake for about 1 hour before going back to sleep. Wait! At the same time as I was awakened? Now I wondered if Cale and Niki might have had a similar experience. Cale told me he had awakened a number of times, but did not know the exact times. Niki said that AJ’s alarm goes off at 4:10am, but this morning she had awakened just before his alarm, but did not know why. 🤔 Hmmm, I wonder? On a tough day, I just felt like Tami was close. I did not feel as though we were forgotten, and we were all together. Saved in a way is how I would call it, in every way possible...[...]

Posted 2020-05-06T15:46:46Z

5-6-20


“He Will Carry Me”

I call, You hear me
I've lost it all
And it's more then I can bear
I feel so empty
Your strong, I'm weary
I'm holding on
But I feel like giving in
But still You're with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when my hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me
And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Who's love will comfort me
And when my hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me
He will carry me
And even…[...]