Share. Connect. Love.

Posted 2019-05-31T16:04:09Z

Grief

Day 17 of Write Your Grief prompted me to think about where grief exists. I get the impression at times that people want me to be better, happier, smile more, and so on. This piece, while brief, helps to illuminate just how present Callan's death and absence is in my life. My discomfort might be uncomfortable for you to witness, but just try, try to imagine this life. [...]

Posted 2019-05-29T18:40:36Z

Update

A month has passed since I last posted. During that time, I’ve been participating in an online writing course, Write Your Grief. I write daily, responding to prompts that are sometimes excruciating and exhausting while other times joyous and beautiful. I may decide to share some of the writing, but in the meantime, I have other pieces for the blog with the hope that my story is told by me, heard by you, and held with respect and care by us all. This new life of mine is to be witnessed and tended to gently. <3[...]

Posted 2019-04-30T19:38:17Z

Learning to Live with Grief

The pain I experienced as I watched Callan die was excruciating. I gasped for air, screaming for the baby I loved and the life we were losing. In the hours following, I held my sweet boy, kissed his fuzzy head, brushed my fingers over his nose and delicate lips. I held him close, not able to accept that it was our last time together. My dreams were shattered.   [...]

Posted 2019-04-14T01:32:40Z

Becoming a Mama

In just a few months I’ll be turning 35. With the death of my sweet baby boy and a screaming alarm on my biological clock, I’m not sure I’ll be up for much celebrating. Never more than now have I wanted so badly to experience being a mama, a visible mama. I was never told that becoming a mother would be so challenging. Instead the message was always to prevent pregnancy, to focus on my education, earn and save money, and enjoy life (without children because they cost money and take away from “my” time). For 16 years, before I crawled into bed each night, I carefully popped a tiny pill from its blister pack and swallowed it. If someday I wanted babies, I’d just stop taking the pill. [...]

Posted 2019-04-04T13:19:00Z

My new life 4/4

Before the loss of my baby, I didn’t understand the complexities of grief. Sadly, I now know. I don’t expect others to truly get it, but I do hope to open eyes and hearts by sharing some of the challenges of this new life. [...]

Posted 2019-03-27T00:48:00Z

Promises 3/26

After the tremendous loss of our beautiful baby, Callan, I made some promises to myself and to Dan. I promised that I wouldn’t isolate myself, that I’d allow friends, family and community members to be in my life. I promised that I’d find ways to leave my home. I promised that I’d talk about my feelings and be with present with my emotions. I promised I’d speak Callan’s name and celebrate him every day. With these promises, come great challenges.[...]

Posted 2019-03-19T03:12:00Z

Americans Suck at This 3/18

Early this morning, Dan and I headed north on I91 for the third time in 7 days. Each visit for my incision seems to create more worry in me and resulted in a quiet 75 minutes in the car. Once inside and before I was even seen, I managed to check in on the wrong floor using an automated kiosk which resulted in getting “locked out” of the digital medical record system. I must have looked like I was on the verge of a meltdown when the receptionist was telling me I would need to go back to the kiosk I mistakingly logged into because she quickly said, “I’ll call down and see if someone on the floor can log you out.” [...]

Posted 2019-03-13T14:32:05Z

Navigating the Unknown 3/11

I have struggled with writing again despite feeling a constant urge to reach out. I've been unsure of where to begin, what to write about, and how to share our story in a way that's coherent. There has been so much chaos surrounding us during the last week that my sense of time and order as well as my memory are not always accurate. [...]

Posted 2019-03-07T21:21:20Z

Callan Latham Tyler 3/5/19

Our sweet boy, Callan Latham Tyler was born on 3/519. He weighed in at 1 lb 13 oz and was 13 inches long. His perfect little head was covered with strawberry blonde hair just like his dad and he had the sweetest little nose. He graced us with his presence for a brief seven hours, but within those hours we were able to enjoy beautiful visit with him in the ICN and spent  many hours with him after he passed. [...]