Thursday night after a great Packers win over the Bears, I sit on my couch trying to force myself to fall asleep. This couch has definitely been my most favourite spot during my cancer journey. As I just typed this I now realize it is Friday morning. My brain just won't shut off, and it's been consistently like this for the past couple weeks. I feel like there is so much in my head but it is all a bunch of nothing. My past two weeks has consisted of watching sports and the political US news channels, Twitter, and reading books with my kids. I keep going back to my chemo days when the poison made me so anxious and I could not concentrate on a damn thing. Now my brain is full of so much information but none of it means anything. I cannot keep track of dates or things I have said or done.
Wow . . . that literally was a bunch of nothing. Grrrr see what I mean? My brain is crazy.
I feel the need to write, but I have no clue where this is going to go. I just know I need to do something with all this mumbo jumbo in my brain. So let's get to it.
How about we start with an update on my health since my last journal entry. Physically I actually feel the best I have felt in ages. No swelling in my breasts, the wounds are healing up nicely, no pain, and neuropathy in my feet is gone. The drain and stitches have been removed. My nails and hair are growing. All seems to be going in the right direction.
But when I look in the mirror I don't see Bobbie. I don't know who the person is looking back at me. My hair and skin are so different. I am 15 pounds heavier. I am soft and squishy. And my chest . . . as I type this the tears are flowing. My chest is unrecognizable. When I look in the mirror I cringe. I have looked at many photos of women post mastectomy that did not have reconstruction, and they look beautiful. But my chest, it's so mangled after five surgeries. I cannot find the appropriate words to describe it at this point. I was expecting a flat chest with a couple scars. That is not at all what I see or feel as my hands move across my chest as they do at least 50 times a day. Not even close.
Okay, that helped. I needed a good cry.
A few posts ago I wrote about the post cancer and my identity crisis. I believe it was back in August. It's amazing how quickly time goes by. It's now October, and almost this entire time I have been dealing with many of the physical ailments. So the identify crisis fell to the wayside. I was too sick to worry about who I was because I was still just trying to fight to feel good. However, now that I am actually feeling good physically, I am once again stuck in this abyss of who is Bobbie.
I have always had extremely high expectations of myself, so now that I feel good I feel like I should be getting it all together physically and mentally. I should be exercising, doing more with the kids, cleaning the house, helping out more, organizing the basement, and the list goes on and on. But for some reason, I cannot get myself to move from my favourite spot in the house . . . our couch.
I start a gradual return to work on Monday. I am hoping this gives me the jumpstart I need. I also am trying to let myself heal mentally. Since my last hospital stay I worked very hard at actually letting my body heal so I would not end up back in the hospital. As I am typing this I am realizing not only does my body need time to heal but so does my mind. I need to be patient and allow myself time. I continue to see people going through much more difficult times in life than me, which makes me question myself. I am one of the fortunate ones. But I need to remind myself . . . I just had fucking cancer!
Wow this writing shit really helps. My brain is slowing down and I think I might be able to fall asleep. I don't know if anything I just typed makes any sense, but I accomplished what I set out to do - remove the thoughts in my brain to keystrokes so maybe, just maybe I can fall asleep.
With that I leave you with one final thought . . .
Forgive quickly . . . humans inherently want to do right, love and be loved, and make people happy. So the next time someone says or does something to you and you feel it was to harm you . . . stop, breathe, take a step back, think again and forgive.