Our sweet, wonderful, amazing, incredible, spirited, precious boy grew his angel wings at 10:21am on 12/10/16.  Thing is, he already was an angel on earth.

No more poke, procedures, medicines. No more pain. No more pain. His strength was unmatched and he fought more than any child could and as long as he could.   I know he's in peace. I know he's outrunning everyone in Heaven because he was so fast. I know he has a huge football game going on along with all of his other sports. I know he's smiling and I know he's watching over us and wrapping his arms around us giving us "lovies" as best he can.  I know tomorrow he'll be singing happy birthday to me with that loud singing voice he has.  

I know all of this.   But, none of that makes me feel better right now or fills the hole that was my heart. Because selfishly, I want him here. I want him here. I want to touch him, to feel him, to wrap my arms around him and to feel that tight squeeze and hear "I love you mommy." I want my "morning lovies, my bedtime lovies, my bye bye lovies." I want my lovies.  All of them.  I want him here. 

I want him here.

I know there are no words. I know that. The one thing I just don't want to hear right now is "I'm sorry for your loss." I know that's the "standard" in these situations but it just seems so generic. That's what we heard when our dog died a few weeks ago. I'd rather just hear "I'm sorry" or something simple. It's just that this is more than a loss. I don't know what this is, but it's bigger than a loss. I can't explain.

I'm numb. I don't want to talk. I just feel....broken and empty. This entire house is filled with Cole and there isn't a space in it that doesn't have a reminder of him. I truly feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a nightmare and I can turn over and see that smile...those gorgeous blue eyes and long eyelashes. I just can't believe or accept this is real.  No one can begin to imagine what this is like unless they've lost a child. We are supposed to go before our children. That's how it works. But He had a different plan. A plan I will never understand until Cole and I connect again some day. 

There are no words anyone can say. I know that. And please don't feel you need to. Cole was loved by so many, and he truly touched anyone that knew him. He was a true blessing on this earth. He was. I know he will remain in all our hearts, every single day. I know that. But right now, I just have to work through the pain and complete emptiness that I feel. I have to gather the strength to plan a celebration of life/service for the most precious gift I've ever known. Because how do you plan a funeral...I can barely type that words...for a 7-yr old??  Cole helped anyone and everyone. His heart was the purest and biggest I've known. So I know he's loving all of us right now from above. I know this. 

Thank you again to everyone that has stood by us for this almost 7 month journey. We fought this battle the best that we could. But everyone wants the best ones. And the Lord needed Cole right now. Because he's the best. We don't know why, and we don't understand. We will never heal, but in time maybe the pain will ease some. Cole is our strength and he will get us through each day. He is our angel and through him we will find strength. 

We will forever be grateful for the prayers, love and support, and appreciate you all more than you know. 

With love,

Cole's mom