deep emotional work, and feeling nearly "normal"
Today was full of emotional support, exercise, grocery shopping, and more scheduling of doctors' appointments. Oh, and taxes. It was my first day back in the swimming pool since the biopsies, following the first night I could sleep in my normal position, both of which felt good. Oh, and taxes. It doesn't get much more "normal" than taxes, does it?
The medical staff worked hard to get me scheduled for an MRI before our meeting with the surgeon next Tuesday -- resulting in a 6:30 a.m. appointment tomorrow morning. Uff-dah. Counting that and a previously scheduled annual eye checkup (and NOT counting Sarah's podiatry appointment), I have, let's see, 6 medical appointments in the next 7 days!
Warning: this next part is going to get a little personal, and a tiny bit graphic. It is, after all, breast cancer, so if I want to be real about what this experience is like, I'm going to occasionally have to write about my breasts.
I had a Skype session with my somatics coach Suzanne today, which included some bodywork (yes, via Skype!) and some deep work on loving my breasts. This is not an easy thing for me to do. As my wise Aunt Ellen said to me the other day, women's attitudes towards our bodies in this society are like coal miners' lungs -- if you work in the mine, you develop lung problems. My initial response to the idea of having cancer in both breasts was "okay, just cut them both off." I recognized, however, that such a knee-jerk response was at least part distress; also part bravado, which is another form of distress; and maybe part healthy non-attachment.
I know that if I opt for mastectomy, I don't want it to be for the wrong reasons.
I decided during meditation the other day that it's not too late to love my breasts --- even if I may lose them soon. And today Suzanne told me, you can love them even while you don't like them, or are annoyed by them. She suggested that I send love to them. I tried, but it was difficult. I broadened my attention, to sending love to all parts of myself including my breasts, and that helped. But then I started to feel like, where can I get that much love?
So I turned to the first and one of the greatest sources of love in my life, my mother, who died in 2006. I remembered how she loved, unconditionally, everything about me -- even when she was annoyed by me (and I by her!). And, I remembered how as a child I would watch her as she dressed and undressed, with particular interest in the maneuvers involved in putting large breasts into a bra. And, how after a long day in that device, she would gently massage her breasts just a little as she released them. It was while doing just that 2 1/2 weeks ago that I found the lump in my right breast. Realizing this today, I thought, maybe my mother has been watching over me all along -- at least insofar as I allow the part of me that is like her to fully express itself. And who knows, maybe she was floating around my room that day, nudging my hand to find the lump. Certainly, her living memory can help me love my breasts and take good care of myself through this illness.
Comments (13)
THANK YOU!!!!!!! I'm remembering watching with fascination as my grandmother did exactly those same in-and-out maneuvers. I have NOT been fascinated dealing with big breasts and bras myself, but I see I can bring wonder to the whole experience -- and a healthy dose of curiosity. I love you. Thank you for bringing us all along on this journey with you. xo
This touches my heart so much. Yes, loving all our body parts, including (dare I write the word? wow, noticing even that brings up "stuff"!) our breasts. . . very audacious path, this. Sensing the support of so many, in bodies and no longer in bodies, sending you love. Your sharing this is a true, true gift. Authenticity, vulnerability, honesty, commitment to the path. Hugs, Jean
Everything that you have written here and shared with all of us is such a tremendous gift, Becca. Thank you..........for your willingness to share that which is so personal and so intimate, for your willingness to simply dive in to what is happening in your body and your mind, for your courage in stepping towards love for your whole, beautiful self. Know that your words have helped me tremendously tonight, and I am very grateful. Blessings on you and your breasts!!
DEAR, DEAR BECCA What a blessing to have this opportunity to share such intimacy in such a clean and, yes, healthy way. The rich story of your love for your mother, her love for you, and your childhood relationship with her ... including how she cared for her breasts and how modeling that act of breast care provided you with an early awareness of a situation to be dealt with .... simply exemplifies for me the authenticity and truth of your life. I hope your next week of appointments is filled with encouragement and generous doses of wellbeing .... bert
When I think of my mother, gone 27 years now, I think of that unconditional love too. It is present in our memories every day, and I have no doubt your Mother was present with you and guided you to a discovery that will be significant to your well being. Beautiful image.
ummmmmmmm. Now I love your Mother:) Thanks for sharing this Becca. Indeed it is a very weirdly breast wounded world on so many levels. and love is the key.
Thank you so much for this incredible sweet and authentic post. It feels like you are here in the room talking to me. I hope you feel my love back. I went to my Amma satsang tonight and dedicated a bhajan (song) to you - "Faith, Be My Companion". I got a little teary eyed while singing yet the LOVE and LIGHT flowed through. xoxoxoxoxoxo Marianne
It's r ally wonderful that you accomplished such meaningful and clarifying emotional work today, much more to come I'm sure. But that.'s getting you ready to be rational and logical as you meet with the doctors, get results, and assess your choices. Muh love, Joan
Hello Becca and Don! I just learned of your breast cancer via the Donut listserv (we're not at the meeting either). Christopher and l will be keeping you both in our hearts as you take this journey. Becca, so grateful that you're keeping this journal! I am inspired by how you live, think, feel, express yourself, and the community you build around you. Much love -- Anne (and Christopher)
The story about your mother is so lovely - what a gift.
Thanks so much for the reminders to self-check and to be honest with ourselves about our own conflicted feelings about our breasts. I can definitely relate to what you write here.
Well, I love your breasts! They are beautiful and sexy and delicious. I will miss them, I care about them and I am sending them thoughts of healing and love. It may be that you decide the best thing for you is to say goodbye to them, and then we will all say goodbye with you and help you welcome your new body.
Becca, your thoughts are so beautiful and profound. Since reading them this morning I have been pondering and appreciating them all day. Thank you for sharing your intimate insights. We are thinking of you with love and sending support through whatever comes next. Love, Sarah, JZ, Amira, and Anya