meditation & old friends

Oversharing alerts: 1) queasiness but no actual vomit will be described;  2) some names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty). 

Well I did have some significant queasiness yesterday afternoon and evening, and tried a lot of different things. First, some background: I grew up in a family with a significant vomit phobia, so even just the suggestion of queasiness can quickly turn into a full-blown panic attack. I've had less trouble with this than some in my family, but more than others. Fear itself causes nausea, so it's definitely a vicious cycle. I experimented a little with letting myself feel the fear full-on, but felt pretty sure I'd have to be willing to throw up in order to do that, which I really wanted to avoid, for obvious reasons, and also because I know that if I made it through this treatment without throwing up, I won't be as afraid of it the next treatment. 

I alternated between two meditation techniques: being curious about the actual sensations of queasiness, and, when they felt like they were escalating beyond where I wanted to deal with them, switching to focusing on the sensations in my hands and feet, which were feeling tingly in an interesting, energizing way. 

Part-way into this process I had visits from some dear friends, Anita, who has stopped in practically every day she's been in town since my diagnosis; and two other friends Tamara and Mary Jane. 

I first met Mary Jane in high school. We got off to a rocky start because we were introduced in the context of a very competitive crowd, and I was always on guard about being teased while hanging out with her. Later, I started spending time with her and my friend Caroline, and I was able to relax a bunch more and be myself in her presence; we had a LOT of fun together. Later still, in college, I started to feel burned out by her. I was not having fun with her, so I saw her much less often as a result. Many years passed without me thinking much about her at all, but a few years ago I did have an opportunity to witness her ability as a competent provider of complimentary medicine when someone I knew was dying of cancer. So, when Tamara told me she was close friends with Mary Jane, I made a mental note of it. Someone sent me a private post reminding me of her which I read last night. I was starting to feel a little desperate last night because I knew I was supposed to be taking in lots of fluids, and also that my period was coming, and I wanted to be able to eat in order to take ibuprofen. So, I invited Tamara and Mary Jane over, and they came. 

Mary Jane's treatment is quick, and the effects lasted for several hours. The initial effects seemed to be to intensify the nausea - uh-oh!  But I realized that what was intensifying was actually more like my ability to slow down and focus; and I continued to use my meditation practice, feeling pretty sure that if I could direct that intense, slow focus on things other than the queasiness, it would help. Don put on a guided meditation by Jonathan Foust, one of our teachers, and then read me some Pema Chodron. I never did feel like eating, but was gradually able to drink more fluids. We were up pretty late, but eventually I felt sleepy and managed to do my getting-ready-for-bed routines and get some sleep -- punctuated by a lot of non-queasy trips to the bathroom resulting from the increased fluid intake, and my decision to try a stool softener to combat the potentially constipating effects of one of the anti-nausea meds. 

Feeling okay so far this morning, we will see how breakfast sits.