Port abort/God laughing
"Der mentsh trakht un Got lakht." --Yiddish Proverb, Translation: "Man plans and God laughs."
Well this morning turned out to be only a dress rehearsal for the port installation. I awoke at 5:00am, was in the swimming pool by 6:00am, to the lab by 7:30 for bloodwork, had answered all of their questions, passed their neurological tests, read (!) and signed their consent forms, and had an IV with fluids and antibiotics dripping into me by 8:50. And was hungry. They then reported that my white blood cell counts (ANC 750 and WBC 1.9) were too low for them to do the port installation today (their cutoff numbers are 800 and 2.5, which are themselves considerably lower than the low end of "normal"). We argued with them a bit --- because we had asked about this yesterday when we were scheduling the procedure and the oncology nurse had reassured us saying, "Oh, it'll be fine, they've done it as low as 500." But they held firm, the doctor telling me "if you were my sister I wouldn't want you to have this procedure today; people have gotten infections even when they make the 800 cutoff."
Home now, and contemplating what to do with an unscheduled day. I started by looking up my recent levels of these numbers on chemo days, (where they make the judgment call each time before doing the next treatment whether to proceed or not) and realized that my numbers today are nearly 1/10th what they will likely be next Tuesday, when they managed to reschedule me for; they will do the port procedure on the same day as the next chemo. (We'd asked for that date when we were doing the scheduling yesterday, but they couldn't fit us in. I guess after having put us through what they put us through this morning, they decided to stretch a bit more).
While I was probably grumpier than usual due to having not eaten, I think most of my resistance to their pronouncement was that I still feel like things should go the way I'm expecting them to. The way they're supposed to. Smoothly. The way I was told they would go. My way. The way I'd planned. Can you hear God laughing?
Comments (11)
When this is over, you should write a book or perhaps a magazine article about the experience and all of your reflections along the way.
Oh Rebecca-you are so wise. These are such challenging lessons to learn; identifying them is one of the biggest steps. Sending you much love.
I can hear God laughing and I know that doesn't make it any easier-- ugh, it's so hard to let go of control especially when we are as vulnerable as you are right now. Much love.
Hi, Loved the quote and yes the big guy (generic) laughs a lot at us. Here is one form one of our wiser boys....Just for you...“Everything is determined…by forces over which we have no control. It is determined for the insect as well as for the star. Human beings, vegetables, or cosmic dust—we all dance to a mysterious tune, intoned in the distance by an invisible piper.” —Albert Einstein --- Quoted in an interview from 1930. So, with that said look to the heavens, say a few words of contriteness and it will all work out. And always be the strong - dedicated person you are. And it is a pleasure to know you...And...smile...
Hopefully God will see the error of his ways and come around to the correct (i.e. your) course of action. ;-)
Another one of the things you have to deal with that is such a drag -- disappointments, big and small. I personally find managing the emotion of disappointment really challenging, so I'm with ya, Becca. I have developed a pretty good radar that tells me when I could be disappointed, and I get ready for it to maybe happen. But given all the "good to go" indicators you received, it was totally reasonable to have expected the procedure. A little grumpy is A-OK! Hugs.
beautiful reflection, Rebecca.
The reason to make plans is so you know when to change them. :-)
Yes, I hear God laughing, and I also think I see you laughing a little, or at least smiling, which in my opinion is quite remarkable given the day you had! That moment of recognition when we are reminded of what our wisdom already knows, that we are not in charge, and we catch ourselves falling into that same old illusion of control. Such a comforting illusion, or seemingly so, and wow, it causes such suffering when we attach to it! I have had many reminders of this recently myself, and I hate them, and I see that the way to make peace is to surrender over and over. Not to give up, but to choose acceptance and surrender. Which sometimes means accepting even the part of me that hates it. All a continuation of the story -- how we don't know what is good and what is bad. I am glad they stretched to fit you in for the time you originally wanted. That will be quite the difficult day, it sounds like. I hope it goes as well as it can. I celebrate the wisdom, grace, and humor that is showing up in and through you.
As a wise woman said yesterday, "good news, bad news, who knows?". I hope all goes as well as it can next week.
The Yiddish proverb is wonderful and wise, Becca, as are you. Sending love.