On adventure, bravery, stupidity, and boredom

I’ve noticed that I've not been feeling as motivated to write blog posts lately. I’m not sure why. Perhaps the novelty of this whole thing is wearing off. Having cancer. Being in chemotherapy. Writing a blog. All very novel, initially.  These days, it feels kind of like more of the same, so there’s not as much to write about. Waiting to see if I need a blood transfusion or not this round just isn't as interesting as it was last round. (So far I've been feeling limited, but not as limited, as the weekend after the last carbo/taxol round). 

It occurred to me early in the cancer diagnosis, that, whatever else it would be, it would be an adventure of sorts. Not a chosen one, of course, which makes it kind of different, but choosing to view it that way did help. I’ve usually been somewhat adventurous. (Okay I confess I just looked up the difference between adventurous and adventuresome – not much, and adventurous is the preferred usage, according to Grammarist).

At least, I’ve been adventurous compared to many of the people in my immediate surroundings. I’ve never been sky diving, or rock climbing, or scuba diving, or traveled to Africa or Asia or South America… but I did experiment a fair amount in my youth, including 2 out of 3 of the “sex, drugs, & rock & roll” trio, and living for 3 years on communal organic farms in Virginia and Missouri. I’ve also been told, repeatedly, that I’m brave. Usually this is after doing something that in hindsight was perhaps stupid, or at least more risky than I’d given it credit for. (The examples that come to mind at the moment all involve capturing animals that were places they shouldn’t be – including getting a stray dog into a pickup truck to take it to the pound when I lived in rural Missouri; capturing a squirrel in a garbage can when it strayed into our office on campus at the UW Madison, and, on a very memorable occasion, catching a bat that was flying around my boyfriend’s bedroom on Jenifer St. with a bucket and cookie sheet).

Several people have recently told me, in relation to my cancer, that I’m brave. I’m not sure how to take this. I suppose it is brave to share publicly what I’m going through – but to go through it does not feel particularly brave, perhaps precisely because it’s not something I chose to do. Okay, now I’m going to look up the definition of “bravery.”  (D’oh! Thanks, Microsoft – “bravery” is defined as “great courage” and “courage” is defined as “quality of being brave”!!) 

Okay, expanding my search to Google. Although bravery and courage are both defined including words like fearlessness, here’s the quote I was looking for:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.”  ― Nelson Mandela

This notion is also attributed to George R.R. Martin in A Game of Thrones: “Bran thought about it. 'Can a man still be brave if he's afraid?' 'That is the only time a man can be brave,' his father told him.”

So by this definition, capturing a squirrel or bat or stray dog without a moment’s thought about the possibility of contracting rabies could be called stupid, rather than brave. Perhaps those who called me brave as I traverse my cancer journey feel that I’m conquering the fear, or not living in fear, as I go through it. Yes, I think that’s probably true, although I also may just not be as afraid as some would be, or some think they would be, in my circumstances. So that perhaps makes me brave by the “fearless” definition, but less brave by the Mandela/Martin way of looking at it. Fearlessness can also be achieved by a habit of optimism, which can also be a problematic head-in-the-sand habit if taken to extremes.

Perhaps I’ve reserved bravery in my mind for people like Nelson Mandela. I haven’t read or watched Game of Thrones so I’m not sure about that. But, speaking of bravery, check this out if you haven’t seen it: Activist Bree Newsome climbing a flag pole and taking down the confederate flag at the Statehouse in South Carolina. (She had no prior experience climbing and trained with environmental activists for 2 full days beforehand; and knowingly got arrested with a maximum prison term of 3 years in the process). I found this while perusing FaceBook (thanks, Leda!), something I’m spending a heck of a lot more time doing these days than before cancer. I appreciate how it has alleviated my boredom at times and helped me feel more connected to others.

Well, whether I’m fearful or not, here I am adventuring in cancer land. And sometimes bored by it.