Drains & Stitches Out

We had my post-surgery visit with the surgeon today, and it went well. She removed my stitches and drains -- a weird pulling sensation but painless, perhaps at least in part because of ongoing numbness that is expected to gradually dissipate over the next few months or even years. I was exhausted after the appointment and fell asleep in the hammock after only a few minutes of reading. I woke up and realized it was a little too sunny for that and went upstairs to bed and took a long nap!

While I'm relieved to have the drains out, I don't feel like my pain is suddenly a whole lot less yet, which is disappointing given what I was led to believe. Oh, well, it just goes to show that expectations are just expectations. Most of the restrictions on my activities are now lifted, except for one more week without swimming (so that the drain exit sites are fully healed). I can now start doing the more vigorous PT exercises that will help me regain my full arm mobility, and can start bicycling and go back to fitness training! Yay! I'm also allowed to get the scars tattooed (due to limited lymph node removal) but not for 4-6 months. Whether they will still be numb by then, and whether I will want to do it then, is anybody's guess!

The pathology report from the tissue removed during the surgery also came back yesterday, and we haven't read it all through yet, but we discussed it with the surgeon and the oncologist by phone yesterday, and in person with the surgeon today, and have a follow-up with the oncologist on Friday. It's a little different from what the MRI results had shown - there was still an 8mm tumor in the right breast, it just wasn't growing fast enough anymore to light up the MRI. So, this is not a "complete pathological response" to the chemotherapy. My prognosis, I gather, would be better if it were, but still isn't too bad, given there was a strong response. Again, I was disappointed, but again, I pretty quickly shifted my perspective.

What helped me do so was realizing that, although I was just blogging happily the other day about not having to worry about metastatic cancer, it is probably more realistic, and certainly more "zen," to learn to live with a more balanced view. Indeed, practicing equanimity with awareness of one's own mortality is one of the key teachings of Buddhism that I have learned to appreciate. And as I've been told, cancer can be a powerful teacher. It actually felt more right, more true to the self I am becoming, to flip back into this place of "not knowing." (Good news, bad news, who knows?)

I've been working on writing up the surgery story in more detail, including the "anesthesia/headphone saga." I may have to post it in installments!