Toward a naked heart
Well, the retreat was wonderful. Not always easy – the style of “insight” meditation taught by Tara Brach, James Baraz, and the other teachers includes recognizing, allowing, and investigating whatever emotions arise when you sit still and notice what is happening in the mind/body. (They use the acronym “RAIN,” with the N standing for non-identification, which is the result when you do the other 3 enough). It can be a bit of a roller coaster.
The first few days, a lot of grief came up for me. This was enhanced by the fact that one of the methods they suggest is, when you have feelings you want to “befriend,” putting your hand on your heart. For me, this meant feeling even more directly the change to my physical form. Whatever emotion I was feeling, if I put my hand on my chest to bring loving attention to it, I also felt the newly flat terrain, still slightly numb in some places, still slightly sore in others.
Over the course of the week of doing this over and over again, I began to be able to love the new shape. The yoga offered at the retreat and the PT exercises I was doing also helped me continue to heal, gain range-of motion, and re-inhabit my body more fully. Long tromps in the woods and fields helped too. I kept being reminded of an Emerson quote I found when I was maybe 12 or 13: “In the woods we return to reason and faith.” I just looked it up and found the full passage here.
Befriending my new shape, I noticed feeling “naked” when I dress in only a shirt (or, due to the need for many layers in the fall, especially given the vagaries of the heating system at the lovely Pearlstone Retreat Center – 2 shirts, a sweater, and a shawl). No matter how many layers, the lack of a bra (and breasts) feels a bit naked. At times it is a delightful, child-like feeling, when running or dancing or skipping – no bounce!! I haven’t done much running for years, and usually do none at all, due to various knee and foot problems, but have been feeling the urge to do so in the last few weeks, and have done a few meters of it here & there, including some in the woods at the retreat!
During sitting meditation, the “nakedness” is both tangible and metaphorical. I spent a fair bit of time beginning to befriend my fears about metastatic cancer and dying. As I practiced letting this vulnerability put me in touch with how much I love life, there were euphoric times also, and it was wonderful to feel those more fully. I also worked with fears that keep me from fully expressing my love of life. Fears that I will be too loud or too vibrant in some way, that I will offend others or disappoint them or make them feel bad or take up too much space. I began to sense the liberation possible when I can let those fears drop, even partially.
As I silently sat (and walked, and ate, and did yoga), I let the knowledge penetrate that the things I thought I might do “someday” might never happen, or might only happen if I do them soon. If I picked this day – which is after all, “some” day – to be the day I do some of them, what would I do? The “monkey mind” came up with quite a few possibilities. One of them I’ve already begun to implement – to try to write one thank-you note each day to someone who has supported us during my illness, and to include in the note another thing I am grateful for the day I am writing in it, to support my gratitude practice. (I am doing these in no particular order so don’t worry if it takes a while to receive yours! Though I can't promise to succeed at this task, or to remember everyone who helped.)
My monkey-mind also came up with quite a few blog entries during the retreat. That was a whole new category of mind chatter for me to notice – I called it “blogger mind” or “writer mind.” It tended to enjoy narrating my experience, or trying to explain it to all of you, as I was having it. I did manage to turn it off at times – I had to remind myself that I have to experience things first, before I can share the experiences with others. There was actually a sort of sensation or image of gently pushing or setting the blogger mind just a little ways away in front of me – like putting it on a shelf for a bit later. I also used a journal to jot down some of the main juicy ideas so I wouldn’t forget them, and wouldn’t have to be working to remember them.
So, as often happens, I now have more to write about than time currently allocated to write it. Plus blog entries are supposed to be short! I hope to write several more entries about my experiences at the retreat in the next period. Some of them seem like chapter-length ideas… which of course led my “writer mind” to begin fantasizing about the book this could all turn into. So many of you have suggested this that I’m inclined to explore it. I even thought of a possible name for it – “Toward a Naked Heart.” Let me know if you’ve got any connections in the publishing world, or other suggestions on this front (including advice NOT to go there, if that’s what you think!)
Comments (13)
What a great use of a retreat-- just what a yogi is challenged to do. I love Tara. We teach together once a year-- do a women's retreat at Pearlstone. I think you are referring to the retreat center outside of Baltimore. You should come. It's next summer but it tends to fill up fast-- not sure when registration starts.
Why not Parallax Press? They publish many books where people are using mindfulness as they go through episodes in their lives....
My friend Tina Hallis (I think she's been to C Circle) self-published a beautiful journal, the result of collecting her blog posts and combining them with reflection ideas and blank pages. Maybe an idea for others on their own journey toward a naked heart? Love and hugs to you (and Don)! http://www.thepositiveedge.org/ecwid/#!/Your-Guide-to-Positive-Reflections/p/48409210/category=0
I hear you about creativity attacks and writers' mind! Sometimes the energy is so powerful, it can be difficult to smile at the ideas clamoring to be written and let them go. I experienced a few moments of that myself this weekend at the SnowFlower retreat.
Thank You, as always, Becca. We're here and we're listening! However, let us not be a burden. We'll be here when you turn back to us. Encouraging you to go within without us tagging along. You're sharing is a gift to us (and surely helps you too), but hopefully it's OK to not be giving. Yes, a writer's dilemma...
Thank you, as always dear Becca, for the depth of your sharing: "The retreat was wonderful and not always easy." Thank you for your courage and wisdom, your hand on your (naked) heart. Thank you for sharing the fruits of your practice in the ways that feel most true. Sending much love.
Your writing is honest, raw, articulate and truly moving. I absolutely think that you should turn this blog into a book. You have so much wisdom to share and your heartfelt words have not only brought me to tears but have also broadened the scope of my life. This blog is a gift as your book would be as well. I wish that I knew of a publisher--I hear they can be hard to find--but I believe that now that you've put it out into the universe it will come to you. Thank you my friend for sharing!
Totally love the idea of a book and the title; YES! Seeing the other comments, am confident that publishing ideas have already shown up and will continue to do so. One of my Sufi teachers emphasizes "naked soul" as the way of life we want to cultivate -- vulnerable, authentic, honest, relational. Gratitude for your willingness to embody this, gratitude for your teachers, for your medical care providers, to LIFE ITSELF for showing up in, through, and all around you.
W Tara B - totally jealous, Becca! And good on you for embracing the vulnerability. Wonder if you've picked up a copy of Rising Strong (Brene Brown's new release). Just the title makes me think of you!! Xo Ps / we still need to find some time to talk med retreats!?!?
Toward a Naked Heart -how beautiful -you have so much wisdom to share from your presence on this journey Becca -I hope you do follow this path -what a gift to the world. And, as someone who dances with you I don't see you as taking up too much space in the world at all -more that you embrace and open to the space around you - expressing and sharing yourself -the best any of can do.
Becca, Powerful words. Reading this piece I felt as though you, and by association, I was giving myself a hug. simply put I got more in touch with myself and felt a deep intimacy with that which I cannot explain. Maybe it is as simple or complex as we becoming more of us as we come to understand and accept our situation. So different for each of us. Thanks…
Dear Becca. Thank you for what you wrote. Many of us also harbor fears of taking up "too much space" or that we do things that irritate others. Here's a poem I wrote last year at a spirit card workshop: "Tiny Fairy Balances on a Petal" Who told you that you could not dance? Who told you that you were too fat? Too thin? Too tall? Too short? Too ugly? Too cute? Too caring? Too pushy? Who told you that it was not possible To reach and stretch across the universe,... Until you fold and unfold to reach The impossible “Yes.
As I've read your blogs, I've often thought they could be turned into a book. It would be so helpful to women going through similar challenges. "Toward a Naked Heart" is a great title! Margaret's idea of sending your idea to Parallax Press sounds promising. They're working with Heather to prepare her book for publishing. You could talk with her about the process. Keep up the good work!