First, I want to thank so many of you who reached out and heard my “whisper” to pray for Steve and me. Thank you for the messages, cards, meals, and comments here on Post Hope. I wish I could say that my weariness has improved and I am no longer whispering to my God to lift my soul. The past days have been rough. I had a procedure Tuesday to place a feeding tube into my intestines and by-passing my stomach. So many medical supplies, routines, timed feedings - just a little overwhelming right now. I still go to the hospital infusion center twice a week for 7 hours each day to get hydration infusions. My new peripheral line that comes out of my arm is being difficult and it looks like today’s infusion is a bit more complicated and will require extra hours here at the hospital. We hope the new feeding tube routine might reduce that time some as I get nutrition and hydration lower in the GI tract for better absorption. I got into see the cardiologist at the UW Heart Institute. I am currently wearing a 7 day heart monitor to determine if I need a pacemaker implanted. I was cleared to have my thumb reconstructed (too many dislocations) and that will happen on Friday, February 28th. I continue to be faithful in doing my home PT/OT exercises for my joints. So.... that’s pretty much the new medical facts. Pretty straight forward.
I wish my emotions were so straight forward!I know God’s plans for me go far past the physical. They go deeper; they are plans to prosper my soul; bring a deeper healing in my soul. I communicated with my pastor yesterday and here is a summary of what I said:”What to say ........ God has me in a deep place; a place that is only doable in His strength. Each morning I find myself dreading waking up initially. I wake up in chronic pain from head to toe, I’m nauseous, and find myself with overwhelming exhaustion although I have slept all night. The morning medical routines of dealing with the overnight feeding pump, IV poles, tube flushings, checking central lines and many many meds to take - just before getting fully awake challenge my morning perseverance I find myself crying out to Jesus each morning to please help me - Lord, I need your strength, I need your courage, I need your endurance, I need your smile and sweet spirit to do life today. I can’t do this myself.”
The upside: Needing Jesus to just get out of bed is a sweetness that fills my soul and allows me to start the blessed day He has given me filled with great meaning - an urgent call to comfort others who are struggling or lost in their pursuit of a fleeting joy. The weaker I am the harder I have to lean on God and the more I lean on Him the stronger I find Him to be!
Suffering isn’t something to try and escape. I hate feeling so weak but I want to find God in the midst of suffering and see what he wants to teach me; to show me. I want to seize the day and make the most of each God blessed moment and squeeze out of it every ounce of opportunity of eternal investment that I can.` I have had a hymn in my mind this week from the 1880’s - “Softly and Tenderly”.
“Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling;
Come home ye who are weary, come home;
oh for the wonderful love he has promised;
Love he has promised for you and for me;
Though we have sinned; he has mercy and pardon
Earnestly and tenderly Jesus is calling
Come home ye who are weary, come home “
I am weary and have been caught up in these words all week. I can only imagine the joy of being with my Savior and being in a new glorified body that works! Come home ye who are weary, come home may not happen now for me but I can wait with baited breath for the day I see my Redeemer come for me!
My wise pastor sent me these words as my day began. They are from a Lauren Diagle song “Rescue”.
“I will send down an army to find you in the middle of the darkest night,
It’s true, I will rescue you.”
I am in great need of his rescuing power in the middle of this fierce storm May his ear be turned to my exhausted whispers above the storm.
God, if I cant be healed, then show me how to live, especially how to live for you in this broken vessel.
Thank you to our family and friends who care so much!
We thank you for taking the time to check in on us and share our blog with others it might encourage who are facing tough times. We love you!
Lee and Steve