Treatment 3 & 4

Today I completed my fourth round of treatment. Again, the two weeks between treatments have been uneventful and manageable and for the most part allowed me to maintain my fairly normal daily life. I was anxious because I had heard that round three (and four and five) are often the hardest. But for the most part the side effects were the same as I’d experienced during my previous treatments and then I had the best two week recovery yet. A good reminder that each cancer journey is different and my story will be no exception.

A couple weeks ago, while receiving my third treatment I did have a weird reaction during the last IV drip bag. The V part of my ABVD regimen is known to sometimes trigger flu like symptoms. I had been sitting in the treatment chair just fine when all of the sudden my lower back/kidney area began to throb and ache. It persisted and my mind wandered to the worst places which also triggered a panic attack where my whole body was visibly trembling with powerless worry. The nurses jumped right into action, stopped my chemo drip and administered two medications to calm me down and alleviate the pain and shakes. They worked seamlessly as a team, one constantly monitoring my (perfect) vitals, one covering me with heating packs and warmed medical blankets, others helped communicate with the doctors and pharmacist to administer the meds so quickly. Oncology nurses are absolutely amazing. Within five minutes I went from a full blown hot mess, to a calm and slightly sedated, pain and worry free zombie. Once they got my symptoms under control, they were able to finish the chemo drip without further incident. I essentially fell right asleep in the chair and woke in time for my mom to physically help me walk to the car. It was all very traumatic and dramatic. So of course I approached round four with anxiety that the bad reaction would happen again. Dr. Godwin and the nurses agreed that we should just be proactive and administer a half dose of the same anxiety med and some Benadryl for pain. The half dose was key as I did still feel loopy, happy & heavy lidded, but was able to stay awake and function. They also set the drip at a slower speed so it didn’t enter my body at such a fast pace. I completed round four without any problem and I can’t complain about the deep nap I got in upon returning home. The kids are in Salem at Kaveh’s mom’s house for a few days and Kaveh and I are having a date night in, except I’m in pajamas.

In the past month I had three full days where I was home alone with the kids. Cancer has changed my life in many ways, and an emotional hurdle I currently struggle with is the feeling of not being competent to care alone for our kids. My mom has been staying with us for over two months now and while I appreciate her more than I will ever be able to express, I’ve become reliant on the help and security of knowing she is here if something were to happen. So it may not seem like a big deal to be alone with my kids, but it really felt like a big success to me! At the end of the day I was proud of myself and grateful for my strong body to still be able to be a mother. Luckily we have awesome neighborhood friends who came over and played with the kids so I didn’t have to feel totally alone. With the new school year here and Kaveh in his new role as principal, it is hard for him to take time away from work. Is there ever a good time to have cancer? No, but the beginning of a school year is particularly hard for our family. So I’m grateful for our community of support. All of your uplifting messages and texts to check in on me make a world of difference for my spirit, so keep them coming!!

Me, still being a mom to a sick baby. Grateful for every snotty nose I get to wipe. 

Alright fine, this might have been all Dad, but it was all me who forced a day trip to the beach. 

#momlife #handsanitizer

My hair continues to thin and shed and while I don’t notice huge clumps missing from my head per se, I do find the collars of my shirts extremely itchy and woven with tiny short hairs and all my hats are coated with a layer of stubble at the end of the day. My pillowcase looks like the floor of a salon. It’s thinning out at a slow pace. At least twice a week I reach to feel my head after waking from sleep. I’m still in denial and still wonder if this is a bad dream. A couple weeks ago Kaveh shaved my head (even shorter) in the backyard. It was a beautifully sweet moment in which I felt such a committed love. I keep apologizing to him that I am not the girl he chose to marry and in that situation I felt his complete unwavering love. In addition, we are rocking the same haircut as each other and it is a little too precious, except Kaveh’s hair is way thicker than mine, jerk.

My appetite continues to be ravenous. EVERYTHING sounds good and I haven’t shied away from indulging. Example: one night for dinner I wanted Pho, but then the idea of pizza sounded so good too, so I got both. And ate both. In one sitting. It’s safe to say my weight is back to a healthy range and swallowing continues to not be an issue. 

Every five minutes someone in the US is diagnosed with Lymphoma. I went from personally knowing very few people with cancer to having cancer myself in what feels like a blink of an eye. Each patient’s path is different and I get discouraged by (accidentally) reading about the very possible challenges (harder chemos, radiation, stem cell transplants, etc) and unknowns ahead. Today during my appointment with Dr. Godwin, he discussed his optimistic hope for my best case scenario. A scenario that likely has been shared with me several times before, but I couldn’t hear because I was blacked out in fear fixating on the also mentioned worst case scenario (16 treatments.) He shared that I have two more treatments (#5 & #6) and then I will have a PET scan. If the PET scan comes back clean, meaning the cancer is gone, I will have 2 more treatments beyond the PET and be done. Like all done. CURED. When my mind gets the best of me, as it often does, I need to instead use my energy to visualize just this. The blackest PET scan there ever was. No color. No highlighted spots. Just a clean black page. I came home SO optimistic and started emailing venues about a no mo cancer party. Life is worth celebrating. Look for invitations soon 😉 

I plan to use my two weeks off from chemo to be grateful for everyday and look forward to being possibly half way done! 4 down, 4? to go! My brother comes in tomorrow to be my nurse for the day. Kaveh has to work and my mom is on vacation. I detailed the intensive job duties, namely cooking and watching a bunch of tv and he didn’t hesitate to sign up for the job. I’m looking forward to it!

I GOT THIS!! 

Xoxo

J