November 10th

What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does. -Hagrid, Harry Potter

November 10th marks two years since Louis' last open heart surgery and one full year of marriage. Part of our wedding preparation was a slew of marriage counseling courses with our priest. We had to fill out a compatibility exam and answer several series's of questions about finance and career and family planning.

Initially, I thought it was a pass/fail sort of test. But it was more about what we thought and felt and how we would compromise. In our first year of marriage, I have learned that compromising is the key to longevity. And that's not to say that you always have to give to get, but rather, you give because you love and that's almost always more important that the thing in front of you.

It's often very hard to remember when you're in the trenches of 7 loads of laundry and the 5th dirty diaper of the day and shit, do I have to make dinner again? Did you take the trash out? Will you? Did I shower today...this week? Is that meeting tomorrow?!

But compromise is longevity and there is ebb and flow. It's just like Louis' heart care. There are things we have sacrificed as parents, preconceived ideas of what this part of our life would look like. We have had to adjust expectations and reevaluate what's important because of all we have been through. There are seemingly long periods of maintenance, a sort of lull. That lull lasts until it doesn't and then we are unbearably stretched passed any conceivable limit (this is how resilience is born) ((actually, in comparison, marriage is easy ha)). But we get through it because we have each other to lean on and hold up when we are feeling weak.
When we were going through these classes I COULD NOT see beyond the hardship we had already weathered. Our priest kept asking complicated what-if scenarios and I kept thinking, "NOTHING IS HARDER THAN HAVING A CHILD FACED WITH A SURVIVAL RATE. (WE'LL LIVE UNDER A BRIDGE IF WE HAVE TOO, AS LONG AS ITS THE ONE ON MICHIGAN RIGHT BY THE CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL)," and that is still true in our experience. But ordinary things are providing a challenge, in a new way. And we are muddling our way through those other hard things. I suppose we are lucky that our baseline is open heart surgery (it's lucky in a very dark and weird and scary and awesome way). All of it, our experiences and how we use them, fuel our next move even when/if our hand is forced.

Sometimes, I get jealous of families who's concerns don't need to live in the wellness of their babies. But I don't stay there long. Despite the hardships, or rather because of them, I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to feel love and gratitude so deeply. SO.DEEPLY.

 Last week, we brought lunch to the pediatric ICU with one of our family friends (also a heart family). Today, I received a message from one of the ICU intensivists saying thank you and Merry Christmas and he mentioned how inspiring we were. I've been resolved to a puddle all day thinking about how such an intelligent, kind, and selfless man, who has saved my baby several times, can think WE are inspiring. He has witnessed me (and countless others) lose my shit in fear and desperation and sleep deprivation. He has been one of my mentors in teaching me how to advocate for my family. He has pulled us through our darkest moments and reveled in our joy and triumphs. 

And all we did was bring him some pulled pork and corn bread last Tuesday.

One year of marriage has taught me to share my gratitude out loud. SO LOUD.

What's coming will come and we'll meet it when it does, with so much gratitude and resilience...and likely some good snacks.