It is almost three month since we returned to Santa Barbara. Coming "home" has felt like a step back. I knew I was being hopeful when I thought I could just leave Porlock buried in Oxford. That goal of keeping my mind positive and free from cancer thoughts has been harder than I imagined. My emotions swing like a giant wrecking ball from depression to disbelief and back again. When I am feeling emotionally stable and happy my brain thinks: this can't possibly be happening. When I feel the full force of my disease: my brain descends into despondents. I have yet to know how to be content in the same moment that I am with my diagnosis. It makes me feel bipolar, how can these two realities coexist. I'm working on it. I have started going to counseling at the Cancer Center and Hospice. Part of my homework is to write down my negative thoughts and learn to replace them with positive thoughts. I have also been attending the "young survivors support group", nutritional counseling, yoga classes, Reki, and will start a neuropothy program in January. It feels like I am at the CC every day, I hate that this is my reality. But for now it is helpful, the support is great, so I go.
The good news- I had my 3 month check up and my blood work was great. My cancer antigen 125 level was 4. CA 125 levels are not a perfect indicator, but generally a level below 30 means no ovarian cancer cells are present. It was good news, but not unexpected, it is too soon for a reoccurrence. The rest of my bloods were good too- all systems go.
In other, more fun news, Jane planned a great trip to the Eastern Sierra for my birthday. We had a blast at Bodi State Park, soaking in natural mineral springs, exploring Mono Lake and the wide open spaces. I should have posted pictures but there were too many to choose. Perhaps the best thing to happen last month, we adopted a cat. Cooper is a great addition to my days, a fun companion. In just a few hours we get on a plane to Dominica, a small island nation in the lesser Antilles, for 10 days of hiking. I have more trips in the works: Yosemite for cross-country skiing, Alaska for dog sledding, New Zealand for more hiking... I feel my candle burning at both ends and I wake up busting with ambition to get some items checked off my life list. I don't know how long I can keep this up, but If I can just run fast enough maybe I can outrun this terrible disease! Hugs and happy holiday to all,