downs & ups
Well, today wasn't the easiest day. I am working in my coaching and counseling sessions on letting myself feel my fear, rather than giving in to my pattern of pretending to myself and everyone around me that I'm fine. This is good, important work, but difficult. Don was feeling ill and tired and depressed, and we kind of fed each others' low energy for a while. I'm grateful, though, to a new friend Stephanie for driving me to get my pre-chemo tests, and to my awesome fitness trainer Guillermo for his support. I had a bit of a melt-down with him today -- as my energy lifted part-way through the workout, I realized that it has been so hard to begin to see myself as athletic, and would be so easy to just slip back into my former self-image (just doing the minimum amount of exercise recommended to keep from being really unhealthy). I came home feeling much better, which inspired Don to work out too, and I cooked dinner for the first time in quite a while!!
Comments (5)
Hi Becca and Don - just here, keeping in touch and walking with you. Glad your evening evolved into feeling good!
Dearest Becca, please know we read every single word of your posts and deeply appreciate your openness and vulnerability. We just lit a candle and are settling in for an evening meditation instead of going to sangha. Light and love flowing your way and radiating outwards. May all beings be happy, safe and free.
thinking of you lots and especially tonignt as tomorrow is a new beginning...and thank you too for sharing this journey in such a thoughtful way. I too journal and find it to be so helpful, thought provoking and informative. To be sharing with those of us who care about you is not only extremely generous but shows great courage...bless you! (and good luck tomorrow!)
On most days if The ups can balance the downs I'd put it in the win column. Going what you are going thru I'd even grade on a curve and take a win on days that are only 40% good
I hear you. It's also hard for me to admit to others (apart from Michael) that I'm not doing well, or having trouble coping. Sometimes the positive face helps me, because I remind myself that I really am doing okay in the big picture, and smiling almost always lifts my mood. But sometimes it would be nice to just own up to the feelings of powerlessness. It's amazing that you can see yourself as the athletic person that you now are. Changing your self image takes a lot of work!