another day full of support, reflection, and questioning "why"

Today was much like yesterday -- lovely visits with folks who signed up to be with me while Don was at his meditation workshop; a walk; a nap; and some yummy food. I was in very little pain today, even without any Tylenol. Probably I would have been happy to work, if we hadn't lined up all these visits -- and this was much more fun. And, it helps my processing of this disease, the experiences I'm having, and the choices ahead of me, to talk to people about it.

For instance, one of my visitors today asked me whether I have been having any thoughts like, "my body let me down."  I reflected on this, and answered that no, I haven't had that particular story running. Recently, as a result of many of my friends and family's experiences, and of exposure to the Buddhist practice of meditating on the ubiquity of illness, old age, and death, I have been pretty aware that "something's going to get me some day; I just don't know what or when."  I went on to reflect, though, that I do have some other disturbing thoughts that pop up, like "did I do something that caused this?" Then the list of possibilities, some mythical, some with some evidential backing, runs through my head: not having children, toxics exposure, using antiperspirant, wearing an underwire bra, stopping the biennial mammograms I started having at 40 after I turned 44 and they changed the recommendations...

Most of the time I can just notice these thoughts and let them go. After all, what difference does it really make what caused the cancer? I can't go back in time and change what I did. Of course, we always want to know what caused an illness or calamity, in order to try to avoid it happening again (or at least preserve the illusion that we can prevent it from happening). I know that some of the women who are closest to me in age, genetic makeup, and emotionally, are currently very interested in these questions -- though I can't go back in time to prevent my cancer, perhaps I can help them prevent cancer by knowing some of the answers to some of these questions. So, here are some answers about which of the above are true & which are not, based on my information so far (I'll share updates as I learn more). See here for a good summary of risk factors for breast cancer.

- having children: "Women who have had no children or who had their first child after age 30 have a slightly higher breast cancer risk overall. Having many pregnancies and becoming pregnant at a young age reduce breast cancer risk overall. Still, the effect of pregnancy is different for different types of breast cancer. For a certain type of breast cancer known as triple-negative, pregnancy seems to increase risk."

- using antiperspirant -- no, this is a myth that's been circulating for decades and has been disproved apparently 

- wearing bras/underwire bras - same as above, it's a myth that has been disproved

- skipping mammograms for the last 4 years -- obviously this didn't *cause* the cancer, but could I have detected it even earlier?  my oncologist told me last week that it is unlikely these tumors would have been detected on those mammograms that I didn't have. I will ask her when I see her again why she said this, as I know a couple of you are planning to have mammograms in response to my diagnosis...

- toxics exposure -- apparently the data are still out on these factors. 

Other, more unanswerable questions that pop into my head include, "Why did this happen now, when I was feeling like my life was so wonderful?" And, "Did I somehow make this happen by my romantic wish to not outlive my beloved husband (who is 14.5 years older than me)?"  And, Don who is studying Tibetan Buddhism says they would suggest it was something from a past life. The thought of someone practicing voodoo on me even occurred to me once! I'm not particularly superstitious and don't really believe in these sorts of things (nor am I aware of any enemies who would choose to inflict this on me!!), but it sure makes me appreciate why people are so drawn to religions and cosmologies that provide such explanations.  Back to noticing the thoughts and letting them go...!

If anyone wants to come with me to the UW Hospital & Clinic tomorrow at 11:30 for some easy tests they want to do before I start chemo, see the sign-up in Lotsa-Helping-Hands website.