Home Stretch
Like I said in an earlier post, I was "teacher's pet," which included almost always doing my homework. Before a test or other big event, most of my anxiety usually manifests well in advance, before I'm prepared -- before I've done the work I know I need to do to be ready to succeed. (The few times I took a test I didn't feel prepared for were quite miserable!) Last night when Don told me (in the midst of his own anxiety, which manifests fairly differently than mine) that he suspected I was avoiding feeling my feelings by being so busy with all of these last minute tasks, I realized that I am in a way treating this like a test. Well, I do feel prepared, mostly, except for all the things we can't predict or control.
I am mostly recovered, I think, from the chemo -- see the little peach fuzz hair growing back in the photo of my head above! I also finally glazed my all-time favorite ceramic piece, that I shaped around 6 years ago but decided to wait to glaze until I found a glaze that I thought would work well with it. (See photos, with and without flash). This relates to the category of things I can't control: in the event of the tiny, tiny chance I might not wake up/recover from the surgery -- I wanted to have *finished* that piece!!
I've also sorted through 3 or 4 piles of papers and paid some unpaid bills. (Madison folks take note: In one of the piles I found a voucher that I won at a silent auction fundraiser last year, for one free weekday canoe, kayak or SUP rental at Rutabaga, which expires 9/16/15. I clearly won't be able to use it. If you can, let me know and it's yours).
I made it through today's lymphoscintigraphy (dye injection for sentinel lymph node mapping) okay -- I'd been apprehensive because they said it would hurt, which it did, but I was so relieved after the injections that I literally danced in the procedure room while waiting for the dye to move before the test images were take with gamma radiography! (the technician and I had a fun thing going -- I asked her if dancing would help and she said it would, and I said I'd only do it if she gave me her pair of the coolest-looking safety glasses I'd ever seen, and she did, so I did).
Also in the category of things we cannot control, is the timing of Don's father's death. We got two calls from his lead caregiver today, indicating he's continuing to decline. Don would really like to be there with him - as would I. My surgery is scheduled for 7:30am Central Time tomorrow morning, and we have family coming in to help, so if all goes well, we may decide Don should head down to Indianapolis without me.
We will keep you posted tomorrow. Thank you SO much for all of your prayers, wishes, cards, gifts, and posts. Part of my meditation in preparation for the surgery is to imagine you all hovering around the room with me.
Comments (32)
will be hovering, with love! the lessons about surrendering control continue, don't they? with you in the unknowing and the choice to trust!
Becca, Wishing you all the best possible outcomes tomorrow. Will be sending you blessings. Gail
I'll be hovering for sure! Dancing around the operating room, and thanking the Universe for your beautiful self.
Dear Becca, one more ברכה before the surgery: May all go well tomorrow, may you recover well and may you and Don enjoy good health, peaceful days, joy and happiness. I love you, Bilha
Blessings and hoverings coming your way! I love the image of you dancing around the procedure room with way-cool safety glasses!! Blessings also to Don and to his father........words are escaping me, but may his passage be as peaceful as possible, however the timing unfolds.
We are praying for you and wish you the best. Meta and Paul
Becca, I've been tongue tied of late as I read your wonderful posts and sat with all of your insights and information. My heart has been with you every day for weeks now. My mind brings you up again and again in the midst of every day activities and quiet times as well. I am wowed by your posts, the depth of your introspection and the fascinating information that you have gathered; your process. I understand the immersion in activities and setting this or that as a goal for now when it has waited long to get finished. I am not worried about you surviving the surgery....but your life will have changed in some ways forever. Along the way you have been at times immersed in your feelings; at other times in activities that felt compelling to you at that time; at other times just too sick/tired to do much of either. I get that now is the time to make progress on some things for your own sense of well-being on another plane. I do weird stuff like this at times, too, and I couldn't explain it rationally to another person at the time (or maybe ever???) It's fine. I trust that you are doing what you have to do to be able to settle into whatever is ahead for you. I am so sorry for you both that this is also a time when you feel the need to be with Don's father. How hard for each of you. I am sorry you need to deal with being torn in this way.....and I also have huge faith in your mutual ability to be understanding of each other and to do what you need to with compassion for yourselves, one another, and for Don's Dad. May you each find ease with all of this. Dance on! My heart and mind will continue to carry you. Love, Celeste
OOOPs......I forgot to say that I think your ceramic piece is gorgeous.......and especially the glaze. BRAVO!! And I completely understand the need to tidy up tasks in preparation. BRAVO for that, too!
Sending much Metta and warmest wishes for the surgeon to be exquisitely and skillfully guided by your wishes and excellent questions and that the next part of this process that you have navigated and steered with such incredible thoughtfulness, wisdom and courage, to bring you peace of mind and joyous, health filled days ahead. With these summer-like September days you may choose to be on that SUP, in a kayak, canoe or in the the water very soon! You are the most wonderful and inspirational teacher, Becca! With much gratitude, love and Misheberach prayers, to you and Don, Roseanne💜
Thanks for mentioning that, Kate. I went back to see how to view it after your post and I love it, too! Gorgeous forms blooming and unfolding plus purple....what's not to love?!?
I just came back to appreciate your absolutely beautiful artistic accomplishment...love the peice and the glaze..,it is gorgeous...as are You!!! Roseanne💜
Praying for a peaceful, successful, with no surprises, surgery tomorrow. Your writings have touched me deeply. Thank you for your sharing, and for your example of living wisely and fully. Sending love to you, to Don, to his father. You are all dealing with so much now.
Sending love and prayers again, as we continue to hope for a complete and speedy recovery for you Becca. Though you may be asleep by now and not actually read this, but I think our love will still get to you. Sharon and Raulf
Good luck! I hope everything works out well. Love Joan
Dear Becca, I send my heart a long with the sound of the bell (ding!) for you, your surgery and your complete healing. I also send metta to Don. Oh my, I feel for him too. His wife. His father. Thinking of you all, including S and S. You are all holding so very much delicacy with extraordinary grace. Your experiences, reflections and the sharing of them have been profoundly moving and I imagine they will continue to be for awhile. Many hearts come together on your and your family's behalf. Tender love, Jill
Becca, Early tomorrow morning I will sink my feet in the sand, center myself and look out across the ocean, the mother. I will take her love and power into my being and breathe her out in your direction. Ride on the love that will be streaming your way. Love, Bev
Thanks for an enjoyable lunch yesterday. Add me to the hovercraft tomorrow!
Sending Metta now and tomorrow
Send you, and your family, much love and strength.
YES I am hovering starting now and intent to follow you throughout the day tomorrow...hug.
Dear Becca and Don, I'm lighting a candle to help brighten your path through the night and the dawn's healing sacrificial ritual. Sending love and twinkles to my dear friends. I walk with you. Love love love
I will be sending warm thoughts and prayers for a quick surgery and recovery.
The image of you dancing in safety glasses is perfect. It sounds like you are as ready as you can be. Peace & love.
Much love and strength Becca!
Since I'll most likely be awake when your Madison friends are asleep, I'll hover for myself and them. I'm thinking of you, sending you strength and confidence. I look forward to reading your post-op post. Maybe you'll have observations on the experience of anesthesia? Lots and lots of love!!!! Naomi
Sending love and healing and wishing you deeply well. diana
So the preparation is done. I look forward to learning from your first steps on the next part of your journey.
Dear Becca, I am sending messages of love and healing your way. I so enjoyed imagining you dance and wearing the special dancing glasses. Dance through this day and may you come through it with all the glory, wisdom and strength that you have demonstrated during this time. Love and blessings to Don as well and I hope he is able to see his father. Much love and peace, Gerri
That's a lot going on. Being prepared is a great way to approach it all. You've got this.
That's my Becs - still dancing with cancer, even in the procedure room! I'm fairly certain you'll pass this next test with flying colors. Speaking of colors, I love the pottery piece.
Dear Becca, I have been thinking about you since last night and sending love and healing thoughts. Sonia
All will be well......I just know it