Towards a feminine beauty without breasts?
As I practice fully inhabiting my new shape – my new “naked heart,” I am finding a few things helpful.
- Pilates—I am having regular individualized sessions with a very experienced practitioner, Collette, working on learning to use underused muscles, and relax overused ones. Some of this involves working on flexibility in the ribcage. All of this is helping me loosen up places that are still stiff (and still numb) from the surgery, and generally re-inhabit my body. An interesting side note: The other day I told Collette something I’ve thought a lot before about this kind of thing: “I wish they had taught me this in kindergarten.” “Oh,” she said casually but definitively, “You wouldn’t have been able to learn this in kindergarten!” “Really?!” I asked. “Or even your teens or twenties, most likely,” she continued. She said there isn’t scientific evidence yet, but in her (considerable) experience, people just don’t have the inner neurological sensitivity to isolate specific core muscles and the like until they’re in their 30s!! Teens can do Pilates and have fun with it, she said, but it’s a different thing entirely.
- Ceramics – I did a few sculptures before my surgery on the subject of breasts, and here is my first post-mastectomy one. Now, of course, my hair is nowhere near this long yet and I’m not sure I want to grow it long at all (though I did once have this kind of braid!) but for those of you who have been wondering what my chest looks like, here’s a semi-self-portrait.
- Stories and pictures of other women who decided to “go flat.” I just found this blog, “thebreastlessyears,” sort of a fashion advice blog!
Here are a couple of requests for ways people can help me further with this project of re-inhabiting – and hopefully learning to love – my new shape:
- Advice about tattooing. I am starting to contemplate more seriously whether or not to get my chest tattooed. I’d never, ever wanted a tattoo before, but as you may remember from an early post here, when I saw pictures of women without reconstruction and with tattoos, I felt, yes, THAT’s how I want to do this. My idea is to start with a small tattoo on the side of my arm or somewhere, to try it out. However, I have a steep learning curve and some daunting information at the outset of my exploration (e.g. you can’t swim for 2 weeks after a tattoo!! And one person was apparently told you can’t tattoo a scar in a lasting way for 1-2 years after, because the scars change too much…). Plus, I’m really not sure that after all the pain & discomfort of chemo & surgery, I will want to undergo this self-inflicted pain! Let me know if you have ideas, suggestions, tattoo artists to recommend, cautionary tales, etc. Thanks!
- Tell me how my new shape looks to you. People are so polite and of course we’re not supposed to discuss each others’ body shapes… and I’m finding this is leaving me really curious. What DO people think and feel when they see me? Is it shocking? Do they not even notice? How long does it take people to get used to it? How do different clothing and accessory choices impact this? So, though I’m not sure how it’s going to feel, I’m thinking it will be more comfortable to actually hear what people think than to have it undiscussed. (Lately I’ve been noticing how discussing the seemingly undiscussible is actually a huge relief!) So bring it on. (If you want – I’m not suggesting you have any obligation to go beyond your own comfort zone here).
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Comments (15)
i am totally, totally with you about the relief of discussing the undisscussable! yay you for being willing! I don't yet have much more to say, though,not having visited you since your surgery. . .just wanting to celebrate your willingness and offer companionship for the whole endeavor of speaking about stuff we don't usually talk about.
Discussing the undiscussible --this blog is such a beacon of that approach! I saw you briefly, and this may be dodging the question, but within moments, you were just Becca." And a lot of that is how much you engage through your eyes. :-) Your eyes parallel your writing --allowing yourself to be so open/vulnerable. So, what's changed, except that now you share with so many people what is BEHIND your eyes? What a gift! ! That said, perhaps the change will be more "in our face" when you start wearing spring/summer clothes???
Becca - the first time I saw a mastectomy scar was in the movie "The Family Stone." The family matriarch, Diane Keaton, exposes her chest to her husband (Craig T Nelson), as they begin to make love. It was a prosthetic, but seemed realistic to me. It was interesting, not shocking. It definitely stuck with me. Then, earlier this year, I watched stand up comedian Tig Notaro's film Tig, detailing her diagnosis of bilateral cancer (just one of a few tragedies she endured during a 3-month period) and her double mastectomy (without reconstruction). It includes (one of her?) first show(s) after the surgery. About halfway through she ends up taking off her shirt (with audience encouragement) and doing the rest of her show topless - without reference to her toplessness. It added to the humor. At first it looked like her chest/breasts were pixilated, since we're so accustomed to seeing breasts in that area. It wasn't shocking because we were expecting it. I still wasn't "used to it" by the end of her performance. She owned it so I guess I was relatively comfortable with it. But I could stare with no recrimination. Regarding your shape - when I saw you briefly recently for the first time after your surgery, you were bundled coming in from the cold. But I didn't even think about it because it was just great to see you. However, were people to see you topless for the first time (including me I suppose), I think it would be hard to either avoid being obvious about looking or trying to avoid looking. Lighter and/or snug clothing may reveal your shape, but I don't know where conversation comes in at that point. We are a horribly body-conscious society, and women get the brunt of unwelcome comments. On the other hand, after using the women's locker room weekly at Capitol Lakes (for uninitiated: age range: 50s - 90s), personally, I do glance around and see different shapes and scars and mobility. Maybe to make myself feel better? On the third hand, in that locker room, I feel a real sense of support for continuing to show up, regardless of our changing bodies due to time and everything else. But maybe that's "women of a certain age" who have certainly walked their own paths. Millennials I hope have a better grasp on individuality. Everyone in between: well, you get to be an educator if you choose. No tattoo experience yet, so good luck with that. I've seen some lovely body art. I'm glad you have art to literally figure stuff out.
It may be just me. But to me, you look just fine. If I didn't know everything that you had been though, I would just have noticed your new haircut and suggested that you lost a a little weight. But I do know about everything that you've gone through and I just want to clap, encourage, and cheer you along your journey. The sculpture by the way is awesome.
I think both you and your new shape are incredibly beautiful. It makes me think of the layers of the onion, getting closer to the core and the reality, the essence of the true self. What I see is a kind of transcendent radiance. It is like the carp that swims upstream against the current and leaps over the gate and becomes a dragon. --z
The shape of a small breasted/virtually no breasted woman is one form that those of us who have watched and loved ballet for years recognize. It's always been interesting to me that so many little girls fantasize about being a ballerina as one of the most girlish things, yet post Balanchine the bodies became less traditionally feminine for many companies, thin hips, virtually no breasts, thin legs. But so fluid, and beautiful. And other companies, thankfully realized that all body types were welcome and lovely. So your new sculpture reminds me of The Little Dancer and all that the diversity that any form can portray.
Oh my! Becca, you just continue to astound me with your compassion, wisdom, and creativity. I had no idea you were such a gifted artist! You go, girlfriend! Your naked heart sculpture is truly gorgeous and thought-provoking in its beauty, as are you! I'm sure that when I see you again (Austin I hope?) you will look just as spectacularly you as you always have. A shift in shape doesn't dim the light in your eyes or the shining of your soul. The idea that your heart can shine brighter with less pounds of flesh in the way is fascinating. Much love and joy to you and Don in this dawning new year. May 2016 be filled with bliss. Love, Leslie
Hi Becca, I had some similar thoughts and feelings after I had breast reduction surgery several years ago. Acknowledging that the change in my breasts was not as profound as what you're experiencing, I went through lots of feelings of loss and curiosity about how people saw me. What was striking was how many people noticed that I looked different, but not in a way they could place. I also considered tattoos, but have decided not to, at least for now. I've always wanted to try Mehndi, though (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mehndi); might that be a way for you to experiment with tattoo'ing during this healing phase? Love to you, Nina
Becca, what a beautiful sculpture. So much feeling expressed. Such a beautiful pose. The long hair grounds the sculptuer and keeps the eye moving round back to the chest and face. Very effective as well as beautiful. I must say, I am having a hard time keeping up with as you are living life fully!
Indeed, your shape reminds me of a dancer. Centered, strong, balanced. Nothing shocking, or really all that unusual. I am guessing most of us are concentrating on your voice and your beautiful mind, and don't really notice much else. Maybe look for ways to do temporary art tattoos -- you can then have the fun of changing it up from time to time? Your art style can change as your wanting to express something different may change? Thanks for sharing - always thoughtful.
Actually, I did use a large temporary tattoo after my first mastectomy. It was fun. I surprised my husband with it. I had been teasing about a permanent one which he had reservations about. He enjoyed the temporary one. As Laura mentions, one reason I have never gone with the permanent one was because I knew I would want to change the design frequently.
Becca, the sculpture is wonderful - so expressive! I've seen many photos of women who've had mastectomies, so seeing it in your sculpture isn't shocking in any way, just a different possible way for a woman to look. I suppose if this were my first exposure (excuse the pun), I might be taken aback at first due to the differentness, and maybe be inclined to stare until I got used to the look. Not out of any sense of revulsion, but, again, seeing something different. I like the prominent collar/chest bone, as that is also really you and part of your new shape.
Becca, Your sculpture should be part of an exhibition that includes at least some of your posts. I think it would be so inspiring and informative. Reminds me in ways of The Diner Party... I have a small tattoo over my heart and would be happy to talk with you about that experience -- deciding on the design took forever, what it felt like and after thoughts. Anything that helps you feel in touch with your beauty sounds like a good idea to me. Also, although we have known one another for years, we don't spend that much time together. If I had not been aware of your journey and following you, I would not have noticed the change in your chest, but certainly the change in your hair (looks great now and before). I hope you find this comforting.
Your sculpture is amazing and powerful, dear Becca. And I was so happy to hear that you are receiving pilates guidance from Collette. Especially with all the references to dancing in previous posts, I picture you with Collette the Dancer, you, a wise woman dancing into ever-greater well-being. While Collette wisely pointed out that you couldn't have learned all this as a teen-ager, I did feel when I saw you post surgery, that I was in the presence of an uncommonly wise, and particularly shiny, radiant, fluid, and very youthful woman. Your eyes, and your sprite-like energy is what I noticed. Like others, I have noticed in the locker room (most recently at the Y, where I sometimes go with my 96 year old mom), women of all ages, sizes and physical situations, including mastectomies. It feels like a celebration of embodiment, women sharing the joy of these remarkable bodies of ours. May your Naked Heart experience much joy in this new year, Becca!
Dear Becca, Connecting with your sculpture, your powerful, strong, sculpture spoke to me, as a woman with many scars from life challenging surgeries on her body. My scars are different from yours but every day I know they are there. I have learned movements from Colleen Lewis and Dan Cubacub so that I don't have problems of blockage from my scar tissue that might take me back to the hospital. I love doing Qigong and also as a part of Tai Chi and Qigong movements, I often caress my scars which feels very nurturing given my own condition. Also I am just treasuring my body the way it is. I exercise it to keep it strong. I personally am not for marking or having tattoos. To me your body is a beautiful treasure. Judith Zukerman