Significant dates. Looking back, moving forward, being present.

Today marks 16 years since Edie's crossing, and 4 days ago, April 28, marked one year since Liza reunited with her big sister on the other side. After Edie was diagnosed with MPS1, I used to say that if I was going to lose a child, I had won the lottery; I had nine years to wrap my head around it. Unfortunately, luck was not in my favor.

As with Edie's passing, the days of anticipation have been the hardest... remembering the life that I had expected to wake up to as well as the one I had looked forward to, my daily conversations with Liza about friends, frustrations, and aspirations as well as my dreams of vacations and celebrations to be shared as Liza became the amazing woman and mother I knew she'd be. 

On this day, May 2, 2010, I knew I needed to write a book. It was going to be about how I called on the strength of Edie's spirit to get me through the next two years. Finally, while Liza and I lived in Mexico in 2018, I wrote what I call "the bad book." It sucked but at least I got it out. I shared it with an editor who agreed that it sucked (it was ALL OVER THE PLACE), but who said that she wanted to get to know the Edie character. I vowed that I would one day rewrite it. After moving to Jacksonville, I started, restarted, and restarted it multiple times and had ultimately set it aside when March 10th hit and I received the call that I wish I could forget.

When Liza was squeezing my hand in response to my questions, I told her that the news media wanted to interview us to tell her story. I told Liza I wanted it to be her story to share and she squeezed my hand. I haven't forgotten that - or our daily conversations. So over the last year of grieving I've had two goals: one is to write that book about Edie and the other is to communicate with Liza - and bonus, maybe Edie too. I've meditated daily and I'm always on the alert for signs from my girls. Maybe one day I'll have enough ability and material to write Liza's story too.

Several years ago, Liza said, "Mom, do you ever notice how often you look at the clock and it's 6:16?" I'd never noticed but she was right, and it became OUR sign, but in hindsight I think it may have been Edie's sign for us. Coincidentally 6:16 is the time that Liza was born. Nowadays I look for that sign and others, including cardinals. I doubt it was a coincidence that a cardinal built her next in our palm tree and I got to watch the daddy bird work himself silly for the final days as the babies chirped like crazy each time he came near. Those cardinals kept me entertained last week and then fledged the afternoon of April 27, maybe a coincidence or maybe a sign of encouragement from Edie and Liza.

Just as they were flying away, Liza's other mother, Charlotte, flew in from NC to be with me. She and Bryan, Jack and Elli, and I spent Sunday on a windy river and hanging by a friend's pool with our dogs. Liza's friends reached out and shared their own celebrations of Liza from places like Washington DC (where her Barcelona roommates gathered), NYC (where her two UGA besties toasted with margaritas) and Athens, where several friends gathered to spread her remaining ashes at significant points throughout town and campus. Looking at their photos, I could feel Liza laughing and sharing in their joy!