October 13, 2016

While Louis is in sort of a holding pattern before surgery, I wanted to take a few minutes to reflect. This morning, as I got out of the shower, I almost used my hair detangler as perfume (if that gives you any indication of the fog my brain is in). But it could be worse. 

Last night, just before we said good night to Louis and headed home, I began to cry. I was like a broken faucet. The day itself was seemingly uneventful, which is good in our case. But still, I could not stop crying. I felt every feeling; happy that my boy was stronger than the day before, grateful for all the support and love I feel for and from Dan, pleased with the amount of care and support provided by DeVos Children's, scared that they might call in the night because something is wrong, worried that they'll postpone Louis' surgery again, fear of what lies ahead and what we can't know for sure. But I know that it could be worse. 

There was another patient in the PICU who's nurse brought her out into the nurse's lobby area and let her play on a mat on the floor with some toys. She was about 6 months old and has never left the hospital. We are so lucky, in comparison. So far, we have only spent 2 weeks in the hospital. Later in the day, I read from a new mom support blog about someone's lousy day of carpooling and traffic and napless babies. I longed for the chance to feel that sweet sleep deprivation that comes with having a healthy newborn at home. We are somewhere between these extremes.

Once we were home I really let it out. I miss my baby and I'm so scared, and I'm so sad for him. I used to imagine the kind of parent I would be and what sort of rules I would set. All of that has gone out the window. Being a new parent provides you with a new perspective on life, and being a new parent with a baby you can't take home yet is giving me a completely new perspective on who I am and what I am capable of, and how hard I must work to show Louis what kindness, intelligence and patience look like. And to actually BE examples of all of that.

Although my reasonable self knows it could be worse, that does not settle my emotions nor eliminate the fact that our days are hard. For us, we will watch Louis improve until his surgery day, and then things will get worse, and then they'll get better again, until the next hard day. And we will live somewhere in the balance of all of that. 

I am so looking forward to getting to know my baby, to see what sort of character he builds. And I am eager to see how I grow into being his mama.