This one is about Louis' mama.

We spent a magical and busy summer taking trips as a family of three, visiting places we had never been, and sharing lots of rather normal, boring, joyful, loving time at home. I keep telling myself I will update here and I continue to put it off to the next milestone, check-up, well visit, family event, etc etc. I blame it on being busy, but the truth is I am struggling.

I have been avoiding my feelings, the deeply rooted ones that creep up on you when you least expect it. And if you know me, I AM SO FULL OF FEELINGS, so to be avoiding them is a challenge in its own right. I carried this person into being. Through his hardest trails, all I could do was watch. All I could muster, through the agony in my heart, was this strange combination of fear and sadness and BIG unconditional love. I could not talk to God because I refused to accept any idea that Louis’ survival hung on a certain amount of prayer. I could not trust that God had a plan, because if it including me going home without my baby, my soul would have died in the ICU.

This year has had so many defining moments, and it is not yet over, full of growing pains- for better and for worse- but all of it worth it. It has forced a sort of fast forward on our lives, as a couple and in our new role as parents and guardians and advocates. It’s allowed us to see new colors, to appreciate and celebrate ordinary things.

Omitting the depth and richness of the white-knuckle, holding-on-for-dear-life moments would reduce our story to only our favorite feel-good chapters. Life is more robust than that. I would take the disappointment to experience Louis’ strength and bravery, every day. I would take the hurt to remember each detail of every moment by his side.

Bear with me, while I continue to process my feelings on my faith, our experience, and what comes next.