How can one short trip around the sun can feel so long....

One year ago I got up early, and said goodbye to my sick wife and headed off to an early morning coffee meeting. It started like most other days, it didn't feel drastically different other than I had to get my meetings and work done prior to heading to the doctor with Shannon at 2:30pm. I met my client for coffee at Espresso Royal on Fairview and Randolph in St Paul, then I headed off to the office. Just 3 days earlier we had a 3 am trip to the ER where we received some conflicting diagnosis and not a lot of information other than "you should see a specialist". So I headed home a little early to help Shannon get ready for the appointment. I remember, she was so sick and weak that it took a lot of effort for her just to get dressed and down to the car. We then headed off to Health Partners specialty clinic in St Paul. At 2:30pm on February 23, 2016 we arrived at the doctor appointment that you never want to go to. I remember many of the details from the appointment but the one that stands out was meeting the doctor. The exact words that were exchanged escape me now but it was something to the effect of "Hello, my name is Dr _______, what I've found isn't good, bad luck."
And with that our lives changed.

How do I feel a year on in this journey? How should I feel? The answer is I don't know. I got asked yesterday, "How is Bill doing?" First I am ok, I am happy that Shannon has survived and we are moving forward past treatment but I am tired. (maybe a little more tired today) I can't believe that it's only been a year, it has felt like a second lifetime. I have changed. I am still Bill, but you can't go through this and not wind up being changed, both for the better and for the worse. This type of thing gives you a sense of perspective on life that only those who go through it with a spouse or a child can truly appreciate. I am grateful. For all the love and support that Shannon and I have received from the very start. I would not have been able to make it without you and without that I know Shannon wouldn't be where she is now.

Moving forward past treatment/care-giving and into remission is not as easy as one would think. One of the hardest parts is sharing the news of Shannon's remission and how she is doing, is not sharing the joy that is expressed the recipient of the news. When I get asked how Shannon is doing I say "she is doing ok" More often than not that response is met with a little bit of shock and more than a few times this, "just ok"? Compared to where she was this time last year yes, she is doing great but there are good days and bad days still. So until she is doing great she will be doing "Ok". Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that Shannon is in remission but she has a long journey back to health and feeling good every day.
Some people in conversation have asked about celebrating Shannon being in remission. I know everyone handles things differently and to be brutally honest and in my opinion the only thing we would be celebrating is Shannon not dying. This may seem harsh or cold hearted however it is just how I feel. Shannon lost so much this last year, health, her hair, her job and staff that she loved working with and her independence. There are scars for both of us, emotionally and physically. Some of those will heal over time and some will be there forever but I only have one celebration in me for this and it isn't now.

I don't want this post to be only melancholy, although it's hard feeling that way on this day. We have a few fun things planned for this year to make up for last year, a postponed trip to Maui in March and some more travel later in the spring for Shannon's birthday. These are the celebrations to me, getting to go on a trip together or going for a walk in the skyway, or going to see a movie.

Not sure how to end this post other than to say thank you one more time. Thank you to everyone who helped me, help Shannon. I couldn't have made it this past year without you.