Radiation Update: 22 done, 3 to go!

When I was a kid, I could always tell if I was sick enough to stay home from school if I felt guilt over asking to stay home. On a few occasions I would ask and mom would say, “okay, if you feel that bad, go back to bed.”  If I could not get back to sleep because of the nagging guilt, then I knew I should be at school and I would get myself ready to go. 

For good or bad, some of that effect probably wore off in college when I made more strategic decisions about when attendance was necessary or when I was better off spending my time elsewhere.  And life gets more complicated - sometimes I want to keep working when I should be in bed and sometimes I sabotage myself into feeling lousy when I need to work (late night TV binging?)  

Well, this week, I went downhill and have not been to work all week. Until a few days ago, I was uncomfortable much of the time and took short daily naps. But I was functional, working part-time and could participate in most activities for at least some period of time. Over the last week, my skin went from bright pink to dry brownish-red in some places. Any friction hurts and I’m now anxious about the skin breaking and developing sores.  Also, I feel like I could sleep 24/7.  I have spent many hours on my sofa or in my bed.  I’m now slathering various creams on my skin every couple of hours and covering it with gauze, held in place by a men’s tank undershirt - I’m quite a sight (see photo!)  To make matters worse, I missed a few doses of some meds last week (yes, I know better) and I had to quit the little running I was doing, so my mood plummeted.  

All of that said, a few observations or conclusions I have reached:  

(1) while I feel regret over not working, I am confident my body is asking me to rest and I think I made the right call. Plus, I have great supportive managers who have encouraged me to rest as needed.   

(2) I think I’m very fortunate to be able to recognize my mood change as temporary and to know that it will improve significantly with a few days back on my medication.  It has made me think about how debilitating depression can be when it is worse and when one has not found a way to manage it.  Also, I do not recommend watching the Handmaid’s Tale when feeling at all depressed - it is the opposite of helpful 🤦🏻‍♀️😬😭

(3) I know I need to take this time to prevent my skin from worsening, so I can resume running as soon as possible.  But it just crossed my mind, if my skin looks this bad on the outside, what about the inside?! 😬 That also validates my current laziness!  I’m assuming my body is trying to heal a lot more than what appears to be a very very severe sunburn. 

In conclusion, it is time to take it easy, baby my skin, and alternate between naps and TV binging.  It is helpful that one child is off at “cousin camp” with my in-laws!  Three treatments remain - last one is on Tuesday. Then I get to celebrate with a quick trip to NYC to retrieve my child and to see a friend on Broadway, followed by a visit from my expat brother and his family ❤️