Oye Chemo Va

Who would have thought me, Bobbie, Big Mouth, Bossy Lynn Goldie, BLG, would be lost for words.  But that is exactly what my first round of chemo has done to me and why it has taken me so long to find the right words to share my first chemo journey with you.  For the first four days Greg would ask me how I feel, what do I need, what should he do, and I, for the life of me had no words.  I couldn't come close to describing my physical feelings or what I needed from him.  The first four days consisted of me sleeping, crying, vomiting, aching, being restless, crying, wait did I say sleeping?

Now, if I told you that the morning of Day 2 consisted of me waking up at 3:30am, cleaning the kitchen, making pancakes, and blasting my battle playlist to wake up the house exactly at 6:45am, would you believe me?!  Well that is exactly how the morning of Day 2 started.  I would call this my first wave (and of course the Goldie household has not seen a similar wave since).  The reason I share this is not to tell you I am strong or I beat chemo - not the case at all.  It's to tell you that it has not been pretty since this major crash on Day 2.  I had this mild wave of energy that provided me a false sense of strength.  By 7:07am that day I had a complete and utter crash consisting of lots of tears, vomiting and questioning why I was chosen for this journey.  What did I do so wrong in my life to be delivered this sentence?  Explaining to Greg we need to give up now because I cannot do this again.  Chemo 1 BLG 0.  

So now we are nearing the end of Day 5 of my first round of chemo, and I am in a better mental state to explain my journey thus far.  I would describe my days as waves and crashes.  I have these waves of energy where I feel okay, like I can eat, have a conversation or even smile at you and mean it :)  They have been few and far between, but I have learned that if I listen to my body, sleep, rest, hydrate, and eat, then the crashes that follow the waves are not so bad.  Morale of the story . . . listen to your body during chemo!

I believe as Greg and I get in a better routine dealing with our chemo treatment, it will continue to get easier (for both of us).  We are learning there is a before, during and after phase you must deal with.  Wait . . . stop . . . hold the phone . . . I must (before I forget which I do a lot lately) tell everyone on the world wide web how amazing my husband, my rock, and my soul has been.  Okay back to treatment . . . so my cousin has been up visiting for several days filling our fridge and freezer with lots of chemo friendly foods (shout out to Nina!), as well as yummy foods for Greg and the kids.

The bad news, the sad news, the news that makes me want to scream is in nine (9) freaking days I need to do it all again.  But the good news is it will be two down then. I do know without a doubt this is my body, my journey, and my fucking cancer battle.  I am a warrior and I have been through worse.

I WILL overcome this to be a stronger person than I am today.  I WILL continue to be the leader in front of my team explaining to them why we do not give up and why passion matters.  I WILL continue to be the person that doesn't sweat the small stuff.  I WILL continue to be the gal in public rocking out loud and shaking my money maker on the subway to my music for the soul. I WILL continue to be the mommy holding my daughter explaining to her bossy is cool and don't lose it!  I WILL I WILL I WILL . . .