All Clear to Shower!

Great news everyone!!!  My in home nurse came today, looked at my drain spots, and provided me the all clear to shower!!!  Woot woot! (Insert sarcasm). Oh, and my surgical oncologist called and my pathology report will not be available until July 29th instead of 25th.  So small change to my appointment.  Okay . . . that's all I got . . . no more to talk about my health or any doctors appointments.  That's it. But for some reason I feel I have more to say.  Well you can thank my company for this as I have been on STD and completely cut out; I am overdosed on US politics; and you can only watch so much sports and play so much candy crush. Well, I guess cancer is part of this post because without cancer there would not be all this free time for me to think and clarify some important life items for me.

I heard this speaker at the last company function I attended for work and there were a couple main points to her speech - one being this 30,000 days on earth idea, which I have previously mentioned.  Since hearing her speak of this, I have become infatuated with this notion. Not the fact that I just have 16,000 or so days left on earth, but everything tied to the past 14,000 and the remaining 16,000.  Whenever I get deep in thought about something, I somehow tie these numbers to my thoughts.  I haven't fallen off the deep end yet.  I am not counting down everyday I have left on earth.  I don't sit back and regret if I spent two out of my 16,000 sleeping, healing or doing something unproductive.  If I think of my future I end up tying in the 16,000 days when I make a decision.  You know . . . life choices.  Big deal versus small deal.  Will it matter tomorrow?  Those types of feelings.

I assume we go through this similar thought process during any life changing events.  So cancer is obviously one for me.  Am I going to be a victim or a survivor?  I think it's clear what choice I made there, and will continue to make no matter what life throws at me ;)  It's in my DNA.  And if I have a weak moment and want to feel like a victim, I give that to myself.  But only for a brief moment.  Then I get up, dust myself off, pull my big girl pants up real high (you know like Sally O'Malley, the SNL character?  Google it if you don't know who I am talking about.) and continue on with my battle.  Many times during the battle I fall and have to stand back up to move forward.  That's why I pull my pants up high like Sally - less time wasted pulling your pants up if you wear them that high.  Do I survive every battle?  Hell no!  None of us are superheroes.  But one thing I always remind myself during a battle or a tough decision.  What's the worse thing that could happen?  I could be in the same position I am in right at this moment, if I try.  The best, I won or am better off, and if I don't try - there is no option.  Also, who does't enjoy a good fight?!

Am I going to take the tough road or the easy road - just joking.  You really don't get to make that choice when cancer chooses you.  Many have also told me there are no two cancer journeys the same, similar to any difficult journey we have in our life.  Also, we all handle so many things differently, so something difficult to me may be easy to you.  So for me, every cancer journey sucks and they are all tough!

What's best for my future versus what's best for me now?  We have had to make this decision several times through treatment.  For me it was always easy peasy lemon squeezey (as Abbey and Ayden would say).  I always choose what's best for the future.  Again, it's not that I am some type of superhero or anything, please don't ever think that.  Honestly, it's because I am a control freak, and for most that know me well, they are shaking their heads up and down, smiling right now.  Greg and I have been on different levels with this which is natural.  If the doctors give me an option, and it reduces my chances for the reoccurrence of cancer or less screening in the future, I always choose that option. Greg may not, but in the end he always tells me it's my decision and he supports me no matter what.  Many of my friends that have been survivors of cancer warned me that the waiting and unknown are the worst part mentally.  Boy, they weren't kidding.  It fucking sucks!  So anytime I am presented with an option that reduces the unknown - slam dunk.  That's the answer. 

What choices I make actually matter versus which ones really don't but I make more out of these ones than needs to be?  An example of this in my cancer journey was how will my chemo cocktail would be administered to me.  There are typically three ways - port, pic line or IV.  I was adamant I would only do a port.  Why?  Who am I to be some expert to choose out of the three?  I didn't do any significant research, and honestly, does it matter?  Well, for a few days my husband had to listen to me complain about Dr. Amir not listening to my requests.  You know . . . I have had cancer once and Dr. Amir has dealt with thousands of cancer patients.  That's what Greg would say over and over.  However, I knew what was best for me, and my hot head was going to get it my way.  There goes all the heads shaking up and down smiling.  Of course, after the 12th time Greg calmly reminded me of this, a light bulb went on in my head.  I thought Dr. Amir has dealt with thousands of cancer patients and I have only had cancer once.  He obviously knows best.

Is it okay that my friends circle has changed as I have gotten older?  I will say this has been really rough on me, but cancer smacked me in the face and answered this very question quickly for me.  Has my friends circle actually changed or has it just broadened and rearranged?  It's definitely the second.  Historically, my closest friendships have been more of me giving than them.  So for all my friends that are freaking out right now, just stop and think about it, and please, I don't mean it in a negative way or am I saying you asked for it.  By nature and built in my very DNA I am a giver.  Cancer, however, is a taker and I learned very quickly especially living in a country where I have no family or longtime friends, in most of my closest friendships right now, there is more of me taking than giving.  There is little room for me giving.  It's the first time ever, and was very difficult for me to accept initially.  But I have learned with cancer, if I am going to win this battle I need lots of soldiers, especially strong selfless ones.  Also, there are soldiers of all different strengths needed.  Thank you all for being soldiers in my battle!  How lucky am I that my friendship circle has grown significantly.

So the one thing that is absolutely certain about my remaining 16,000 is . . . I want to make a difference. I refuse to just dream about this notion. I will use my GSD (get shit done) attitude and really do it. Do what you ask? I am not there yet but I know it's something in addition to being the best wife I can be, spending quality time with my angels, living each day to the fullest, and growing my career.  Any ideas?  I am open.  And sometimes you the best ideas do not come from yourself.  So if you got anything, please share :)

Again, if you forgot why you are reading this post . . . I got the all clear to shower.  Night night all.