Hello, oh how I have missed you my dear blog

I am currently sitting on a plane from Sydeny to Toronto writing this blog. After watching this movie on board, "Hands of Stone", I feel very compelled to write. If you haven't seen this movie, I highly recommend it. The main theme is boxing, but of course the message beneath resonated with me. There were a couple messages that brought me to tears. The first was the whole US and Panama thing. Growing up in Wisconsin and for many years in a small town of under 6,000, you just don't realize how big our world is. You don't realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and your small little town. And most importantly you don't realize there are many many humans outside of your town, your state, and even your country. And take this to another level for the younger generation reading this - no internet!

Watching this movie I had no clue what the citizens of Panama went through for years. I was saddened to watch throughout the movie how the US handled things. I will of course read more to understand everything, but just from the movie I was upset on how we made these citizens, these human beings who are no better than me, feel. There was a point when they showed a clip of Reagan on TV stating the US was to take control of Panama because we built it (or something like that). As I was watching the movie a sudden burst of shame came over me, followed by a hot flash (because chemo is the gift that keeps on giving).

My mind instantly went back to 3rd grade. I was one of the few white girls in an African American dominated school living on the north side of Milwaukee on 31st and Brown. Let's just say this is not a desirable area for any human to live. But like most of the school's population, we all had one thing in common, we were poor. Why do I bring this up, because as the Reagan clip flashed across the screen, I remember our teacher in 3rd grade, Mrs. Snyder, asking the class to vote on the Presidency. She even gave us an opportunity to talk amongst ourselves prior to voting. By the time I got done walking around that class room and speaking to everyone (ha, like in the typical BLG fashion) I had that whole class convinced to vote for Reagan. And now thirty years (or more, but who's counting) I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself. All because of this small clip from this movie. Watching this movie and what may or may not have happened in whole or in part (again I will educate myself), made me upset that if this is the case, I talked my classmates into voting for this man.

The positive . . . What have I learned from this movie . . . we only know what we know . . . my Canadian friends are going to laugh at this one - the US is not the center of the world . . we must educate ourselves and more importantly teach our children to do so . . . . and most importantly, we are all equal - we bleed the same and we all die.

Okay okay back to me. I am sure you are at the edge of your seat waiting to know how I have been feeling (ha, I crack myself up). So I have been surgery free for a couple months. I keep thinking this is going to get easier, but it has not happened yet. I am back to work full time and I just spent two weeks in Australia. From the outside all looks as it should be good, maybe even great for some standards. But something just isn't right and I still feel completely lost. I know that folks that have been through this or some other life altering event would say this is normal. I get all that and I know it takes time, but I just don't feel like people share this part of life enough. Everyone assumes all is good from the outside, when there are many times in our life, while we are living that life, it is not great. It's not even good, and sometimes it really sucks.

I spend time everyday counting my blessings and I know how fortunate I am. I have an amazing husband, two of the most special angles, a loving family, a superb group of friends, a solid career, and most importantly I am still breathing and cancer free. However, I am still having a difficult time being cancer free Bobbie. I have noticed that if there is a way for me to bring up I had cancer, I do. I feel as if this is the time I feel comfortable talking. Talking about who I am, or should I say who I was. I am proud of my journey and the person it has made me. As many horrible days as I had while battling cancer I felt like I was good at fighting the fight.

Even at work, I feel out of sorts. As I didn't give birth to my children I did not get much time off. I had a few weeks off full time and then a gradual return to work. And like most people, there is no such thing as a gradual return. You are either off or in it up to your neck. So this is the first time in my life I have been completely out of work. Historically my career has defined me and made me feel complete. I am good at what I do, and feel comfortable in my element. So with a few months off and now coming back I am struggling fitting in. I was completely shut off from the office, which is the first time ever in my career. So there are moments I am recreating the wheel or am a couple steps behind everyone. I need to remind myself to be patient, and I need to remind myself there is a reason I am where I am. And most importantly I am fucking good at this! (You need to be your biggest cheerleader and whoever tells you to put your head down and wait to be acknowledged is just looking to climb over you while your head is down!). So I won't lie it's tough to feel positive or good, but I am going to celebrate my small victories and jump up and down with excitement when I am reminded how good I am. More importantly, I am going to make sure the people around me that are killing it, know how great they are! A smart person once said, your team is more likely to succeed when they feel appreciated. I am only as good as my team.

So yeah, we have been fortunate enough to take an amazing trip to Australia. As we won two business class tickets anywhere in the world, Greg and I decided the best place to go was the other side of the world. Hey, we just won the battle of our lives. (But don't get me wrong reoccurrence is top of mind for me, however, I refuse to live in fear.). We decided this was an important mummy / daddy trip. Greg flew the babes to Wisconsin to spend time with the family, and thank you, thank you my one and only Nene for being the most caring person I know. The trip was spectacular (I really like that word lately.). But as I sit on this plane for a day, all I can think about are my beautiful angels. Greg and I had several moments during our holiday discussing how we will never ever leave our kids for more than a long weekend. Life is pretty fucking amazing when it's clear what makes you happy. Our angels make us happy. We could not have children and through positive thoughts, strength and perseverance we were given the two most amazing gifts in the world. Okay a quick PSA for all the biological parents out there . . . When you are frustrated or questioning being a parent please think of the individuals out there that are not fortunate enough to feel a baby moving inside of them, have a choice to decide to give birth or not or look into their children's eyes and see themselves.

As usual, this is one of these posts where I jump from subject to subject. It may be because of all this time I have up in the air. Wait, nah, it's because of the wine. I believe I may have previously said something of the sort about you know when you buy a new Toyota and then all of a sudden you notice how many freaking Toyotas are on the road. If I haven't I am saying it now. Anyways, that's kind of how cancer is. Once you have it you realize how many people around you are dealing with this most evil disease. During my journey I have been fortunate enough to surround myself with the most special people who have either battled cancer or are still battling. This is truly a mental mindfuck (my bad on the continuous use of my descriptive language, however sometimes you need to make a statement). Why do I say this? Because these individuals even if you previously were not close to them or never even met them in person become some of the most important people in your life. Yes, your family and close friends are absolutely important. However, there is something that connects you when you are sharing something like cancer. You feel like you are not alone and someone can actually relate and gets it when you are in the deepest deepest moments in your life.

Alright so you understand why other cancer pals become so close, but what's the problem you ask, Bobbie? Well guess what cancer sucks. It sucks immensely. It fucking sucks when you are speaking to one of these amazing individuals and they go to the doctor and get some more bad news. It fucking sucks because you will automatically and unconditionally need to be there for each other, but it reminds you how fresh your wounds still are. It fucking sucks when you know exactly how they feel and you cannot do anything about it. And . . . it fucking sucks when cancer wins and takes away another spectacular person . . . So there are two absolutely amazing people that have been there for me through my cancer journey that need lots of positive vibes and love. Please, I would be so grateful if you would send these to S and T. T and S I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me. I don't know if I can explain how important you are to me.

Oh yeah, remember I brought up in the beginning of this blog about the movie I just watched "Hands of Stone"?  There was something else . . . the second message that came to me during this flick, is that we have a duty, we have a responsibility to make a difference if we are given the opportunity. In the movie, the boxer realized after dealing with some very difficult issues, it was his responsibility to go back to boxing (watch the movie to understand) and I know now that this is the time for me to start fighting again. A new fight. I have said this publicly in the past and this movie reminds me how important it is. You know we are all give the certain gifts in life. They are all different and not any one person is perfect or responsible for the weight of the world. So once you take the time to sit back and determine your gifts it is absolutely your responsibility to take full advantage of these gifts.

So my gift is I am able to speak openly and comfortably about any situation I have ever been put in. If I meet a complete stranger I am able to determine if any of my journeys would help the person in front of me. And more importantly I am willing to open my soul to them and let them know they are not alone. I am also capable of writing on the World Wide Web, the good, the bad, and ugly when it comes to my life. I am also comfortable getting on a stage in front of hundreds of people to to deliver a message of inspiration and public responsibility. This movie reminded me how important this is. Life gets so busy and it's so easy to just go back to the grind. Today I am reminded me how important it is not let life allow you to be complacent. How it is our duty and responsibility to climb that damn mountain no matter how steep it is and use the gifts we have been given . . . It's our duty and responsibility to make this world a better place.