Thoughts on his birthday eve

While I wish he was here to ring in his 33rd birthday around the Thanksgiving table tomorrow, I know he hated odd numbers... so I guess it makes sense that he didn't feel the same. 

All kidding aside, tomorrow would have been Rich’s 33rd birthday, and #ALS took that away from him, our children, and I. While normally, we would be in the kitchen tonight laughing, toasting our life and love with some Crown Royal, kneading, proofing, and shaping the most perfect scratch made parker house rolls, while watching Thanksgiving Bob’s Burgers episodes and impersonating Linda Belcher, instead I sit here in heavy grief. Tonight looks like me sitting alone, at his desk, trying to write a paper for my Masters program, drinking some wine a lovely friend delivered me. And tomorrow… tomorrow will look even more different than what I could have ever imagined. 

When we met back in 2012, we mapped out how we thought our life would go. Get married young, have kids young, grow old together, travel, all of it is gone. Obviously, life throws curveballs, but you redirect and refocus, you make a new plan. Our new plan involved me being a widow in my 30s. Luckily, we still held onto plans, did as much as we could together, celebrated all of the things no matter how small. In Rich’s final week, he kept with the theme of “eat the damn chocolate”, basically just enjoy your life, because you never know what fucked up shit will be thrown at you. 

There is an emptiness inside of me that nothing will ever replace. We are surrounded by love and for that, I have so much gratitude, but it does not dull the sting of this loss. 

My message from all of this is when you are sitting around with your family tomorrow, celebrating thanksgiving, or not, please remember to eat the damn chocolate, have that extra slice of pie or that extra scoop of stuffing, and please for the love of all that is good, DO NOT skimp on the butter. Put as much butter on your rolls and mashed potatoes as you want and savor it. I would like to say that my goal for tomorrow is to lean into all the joy and be grateful for all that we have, but in reality my goal is to just get through the day. 

Instead of one day at a time, it will be one minute at a time. 

With love and gratitude,

Leah