Grief

Back when I was caring for Rich, I had this image that would replay in my head where I was trapped in a dirt hole and I would be climbing to escape, but every time I grabbed hold, it would crumble beneath my fingers, my nails full of dirt. Now, when I think about all that I can no longer do with him by my side, grief washes over me in a different way. I feel the sensation of grief physically in my body. Starting from my head, it's a rush, a wave that travels down my body, to my toes. In the worst moments, it knocks me off of my feet and takes my breath away. My brain and body somehow know to save these moments for when the kids aren’t around, or after they go to bed. I don’t fight the wave, instead I ride it. 

6 months ago, this week, from October 30th to November 5th, 2023, we were at MGH and then Care Dimensions Hospice House. On 11/2, Rich wanted to go outside and feel the fresh air, hear the psithurism, and bird song, but it was only about 40 degrees. The nursing assistants and I bundled him up in blankets and rolled his bed out. He spent a long while outside and there we had our final conversation. It was the last time I heard his voice. His ability to talk and energy had been steadily dwindling. He was at peace, he was comfortable. I was numb, just putting one foot in front of the other. 6 months ago, the love of my life was slowly slipping away from me. 

Half of a fucking year has gone by and I have no idea how we got here, but here we stand. 

Please use this space to share memories of Rich with me. Please tell me stories, please keep his memory alive and fresh in your minds. Please say his name to each other, to me, and to my kids. We think about him and miss him constantly. 

In a few weeks I will be speaking at an ALS fundraising gala and a week after that, touring the location where we will bury his and my mom's ashes. I want to celebrate him in all the ways that we can and keep traditions alive and create new ones in his name. This summer I hope to have many, many celebrations of him and his life. 

This week has been emotional and hard, this weekend is going to suck, especially Sunday. It is definitely one minute at a time for a few days, instead of one day at a time.

Love to you all,

Leah