The Eclipse

Bittersweet. Happy. Sad. Dark. Bright. 

Today, I was supposed to be working, and the kids at school, Arthur’s first day of flag football. I bought eclipse glasses to send off with the kids and it was going to be a normal day. We would see the eclipse in a youtube video later, but not in person… Instead, thanks to day 5 of strep, ear pain, stomach bugs, antibiotic reactions, or just plain tummy troubles, we ended up being home for the day… At first I was just going to let it be a screen time day, from tablets, to TV, to video games, back to tablets… but instead we had quite an adventure. 

An adventure that I am proud of, but also devastated that Rich wasn’t there with us…. Mixed with relief that we could go without the guilty feeling of him being stuck at home and relieved that he didn’t have to face the disappointment of the boardwalk being under construction when we arrived, or to see the people illegally parked in handicap spots just to get the perfect view they desired. 

April 5th marked 5 months without him. It feels like an eternity, but also feels like yesterday that I heard him strumming his guitar with the kids by his side. I felt his presence around us today. In every crashing wave, I knew he was there. While we looked at the eclipse in awe, a kind older gentleman approached us with a smile in his eye. He said to the kids “The next time you get to see this, you will be grown. You may even be able to bring your own kids to see it someday.” One thing I know for sure, is that tomorrow is not guaranteed. All the widows and widowers I have met, all the caregivers to their partners, parents of young kids with devastating terminal diagnoses, more and more young folks, yet to face the same heartbreak we have faced. 

All I know is that my kids and I felt utter joy as the freezing salty ocean waves washed over our feet. I heard their shrieks of delight, and smiles that shone so brightly… that quickly turned into shrieks of discomfort as they realized how cold their feet were! All was right as they changed out of their wet clothes in the back of the Subaru, and got dressed in the warm sweats I had packed for the journey home. Our drive home was quiet, as they ate their dinner I packed. I had so much swirling in my mind, and couldn’t help but continue to wish that Rich was in the passenger seat, or better yet, the one driving! 

The adventures of today, made me think back to my core childhood memories of running down the beach when it was still much too cold, and being chilled to the bone with my blue lips chattering. My dad would scoop me up to get to the warm car. I hope that today and many many more days like today, become core memories for my kids. Memories that I am so grateful to have, and memories that I am now making in a whole new way that I never dreamed or imagined. 

This is a long one, so if you’re still with me, thank you. Rather than one day at a time, I have been in a one minute at a time mindset. Today each minute brought new feelings, as the new moon was rising. 

Grateful. Sorrowful. Free. Heavy. Nostalgic. 

One moment at a time,

Leah