The Calm Before the Storm

Later today my mom will arrive to stay with Aidan and then Jason and I will leave for Houston. I got up around 7 and started coffee. I guess I woke Jason because he came in asking me why I was awake. Must be anxiety. Aidan had a cross country meet this morning but he hurt his knee yesterday and we decided it's better to allow it to heal than to run on it and make it worse, so those two went back to bed. The morning is still and quiet, the calm before the storm.

In February, 2016, I checked myself out of a Lubbock hospital on a Sunday and then waited until Friday to go to Houston. The Thursday night before I left we had a spontaneous party. It was awesome because everyone just kept showing up with food and we just kept letting them in. One of the best times I've ever had. Last night our friends hosted another send off, this time a bit less stressful. Great food, great friends, always family. I've said this before and I'll say it again: we are only as strong as those behind us, supporting us. So many who were there last night and still so many more who were not, so many who are so far away...I can't believe that many people love us so much. I didn't even know I was this likable! I mean, I cuss a lot, I have an odd sense of humor, and people say I'm too blunt. Apparently these are traits that don't put people off too much. Who knew?!

I feel like there's so much to do before Wednesday's surgery and yet none of it matters that much. I'm getting my class as far along as possible so they have enough to do until November 1. I got my hair cut yesterday so that when they shave the side of my head, I'll be able to punk up the other side so that I look more like a punk rock pirate and less like a shaggy, half shaved mangy dog. I've emailed all of my secondary care team (nutritionist, therapist, etc.) to let them know that I will be in surgery and the hospital. The only thing left (I think) is figuring out which friend is going to keep the blog updated so that everyone can know what's going on. Part of me wants to make a documentary of the process this time, but it might be a little late to try to get something like that together. Seems like a big project and maybe we have enough to do. Plus I might cuss too much to be in a documentary about brain surgery.

I will be having a conversation with the surgery team to address a couple of issues I had last time. First, the recovery area was awful last time. As soon as I woke up my hearing had returned (I had hearing aids just prior to the surgery but apparently the swelling from the tumor had created the hearing problem) and I could hear everything around me extremely well. A male nurse with a booming voice was talking about oat meal and mashed potato recipes with the wife of a man who had apparently just had dental surgery. Let's just say they weren't the smartest people so she and her husband asked a lot of questions that I was in no mood for. Then there was the guy who had a terrible reaction to the anesthesia and was exploding out of both ends. I could hear it all. When Claudia came back to see me and I told her all of this, she thought it might be the drugs so she went to check. Sure enough, it was all real. By the time anesthesia guy's family came back to visit, he was explaining to them what caliber of gun you should use to kill different types of animals so you don't destroy the meat. At that point I was beyond done and pleaded with the nurse to get me out of there. She couldn't move me so she gave me Dilaudid. That was the answer to everything in that moment. My other complaint from last time was how they put the turban on my head. It was over my right ear so tightly that it cut into my ear. I didn't know this until they took it off the following morning, but apparently that was the source of most of my pain and the only reason I needed morphine. Once the turban was removed, I went on Tylenol. It took forever to heal and I still have a notch out of my ear. If that happens again, I will have two notches and although that would help with the pirate look I'm going for, I really don't want to look like that permanently.

In this quiet moment I am calm but I can feel a little low level stress bubbling. I focus on my breathing and I try to breathe in the moment that I am in. The cancer might get me eventually, but not today and not this week. To play on the proverb, the storm may be coming but "I am the storm."