December 10, 2016 ~ Angel Wings
Our sweet, wonderful, amazing, incredible, spirited, precious boy grew his angel wings at 10:21am on 12/10/16. Thing is, he already was an angel on earth.
No more poke, procedures, medicines. No more pain. No more pain. His strength was unmatched and he fought more than any child could and as long as he could. I know he's in peace. I know he's outrunning everyone in Heaven because he was so fast. I know he has a huge football game going on along with all of his other sports. I know he's smiling and I know he's watching over us and wrapping his arms around us giving us "lovies" as best he can. I know tomorrow he'll be singing happy birthday to me with that loud singing voice he has.
I know all of this. But, none of that makes me feel better right now or fills the hole that was my heart. Because selfishly, I want him here. I want him here. I want to touch him, to feel him, to wrap my arms around him and to feel that tight squeeze and hear "I love you mommy." I want my "morning lovies, my bedtime lovies, my bye bye lovies." I want my lovies. All of them. I want him here.
I want him here.
I know there are no words. I know that. The one thing I just don't want to hear right now is "I'm sorry for your loss." I know that's the "standard" in these situations but it just seems so generic. That's what we heard when our dog died a few weeks ago. I'd rather just hear "I'm sorry" or something simple. It's just that this is more than a loss. I don't know what this is, but it's bigger than a loss. I can't explain.
I'm numb. I don't want to talk. I just feel....broken and empty. This entire house is filled with Cole and there isn't a space in it that doesn't have a reminder of him. I truly feel like I'm waiting to wake up from a nightmare and I can turn over and see that smile...those gorgeous blue eyes and long eyelashes. I just can't believe or accept this is real. No one can begin to imagine what this is like unless they've lost a child. We are supposed to go before our children. That's how it works. But He had a different plan. A plan I will never understand until Cole and I connect again some day.
There are no words anyone can say. I know that. And please don't feel you need to. Cole was loved by so many, and he truly touched anyone that knew him. He was a true blessing on this earth. He was. I know he will remain in all our hearts, every single day. I know that. But right now, I just have to work through the pain and complete emptiness that I feel. I have to gather the strength to plan a celebration of life/service for the most precious gift I've ever known. Because how do you plan a funeral...I can barely type that words...for a 7-yr old?? Cole helped anyone and everyone. His heart was the purest and biggest I've known. So I know he's loving all of us right now from above. I know this.
Thank you again to everyone that has stood by us for this almost 7 month journey. We fought this battle the best that we could. But everyone wants the best ones. And the Lord needed Cole right now. Because he's the best. We don't know why, and we don't understand. We will never heal, but in time maybe the pain will ease some. Cole is our strength and he will get us through each day. He is our angel and through him we will find strength.
We will forever be grateful for the prayers, love and support, and appreciate you all more than you know.
With love,
Cole's mom
Comments (56)
I am sorry. Sending many hugs your way to comfort you.
I'm sorry. I never met your sweet boy, but watching him grow through the eyes of those who loved him was a true pleasure and I thank you for the opportunity to know him.
Shanda- My heart is breaking for you. Love and continued prayers for you and your family.
No words, you are so right. Sending prayers for stength. I'm beyond sorry. So many are hurting along with you and although we can't feel the magnitude of this, hoping that the love that surrounds you gives you strength. Cole is so lucky to have you as a mom on his best and worst days. Thinking of you in the days to come.
Sweet sweet Cole. Love you, praying for you. More than you could know.
I'm sorry. My heart aches for your family. ❤
My heart is hurting for you! When my Hank died, his mother said "I was supposed to go first" Understanding is so difficult! Hugs and prayers for you and Steve to maintain your strength at this most difficult time!
Love you, Shanda. 💔
Love to you & Steve. 💔
To the Hayden Family, May peace and comfort surpass all understanding this day. You all are forever in my prayers. May the strength of Soldier Cole be with you two forever and always! God Bless you all. Love and Blessings From the Taylor Cozart Family.
Love you guys! We are here for you when you need anything, just say the word. Hugs to you both.
Hugs and continued prayers. ❤️
Many hearts are breaking for you in the loss of your precious little Cole. Prayers for comfort and peace.
I can't start to imagine what your family is going through. I didn't know Cole personally but I did have the privilege to watch him play basketball against my daughter last year and to follow the journey your family has been on. Prayers for all of your family.
I am sorry for OUR loss of sweet Cole. Sorry, saddened and broken for everyone that knew him or knew of him. I know the pain is overwhelming but the joy of his life was the same. I always loved being around Cole. No matter how hard my day was, his sweet smile always made me feel better. The last time I saw him he and I played under your desk when Gus was there. We had a blast! Thoughts, love, prayers all abound for your family. I am honored to have known such a wonderful boy.
No words. We love you guys
Sending love and hugs to you and Steve in hope it will somehow help to ease your broken heart. ❤️💙💛
I am sorry and we will continue to stand by you. Gloria
Praying for you and Steve. I am so sorry.
Much love and prayers for your family. 💔
You don't know me! I've read some of your posts about your son. I lost a 51yr old daughter 4 yrs ago this Christmas eve morning. Regardless of age, the pain is all the same. Yrs before that I lost a baby at 7 months into my pregnancy. He lived for 6 hrs, lungs too small. At that time I had a near death experience. If, and I believe I went to heaven, it was the most glorious, beautiful, calm, serene, happy place. I didn't see Jesus, but I didn't want to leave. I somehow knew I had to go back, but I didn't want to. I did because I figured this was Gods plan for me. I had another child to care for and my husband also. Please know your little boy is OK, he's happy, there's no sickness, pain, anger nor ugliness. My experience helped my daughter when her time came, we talked a lot about where I went and what it was like. She seemed peaceful about her transitions, plus she was ready. It got me through her passing so much by knowing she's so happy, not missing us. But living in Gods glory and love. You can delete this if it makes you angry, or maybe it will lessen the pain by knowing what heaven is really like. I believe it to my core and soul. May God bless you and hold you in his mighty arms and help you get through this terrible ordeal. It's hard, talk about him and remember the good times. I'm praying for you to get some peace of mind. I apologize if I have offended you in any way!
We are so sorry. Praying for some kind of comfort for you and your family. Monte & Carla Long
Shanda and STEVE. You are so right. Nothing said can help right now. You are loved and prayed for! Margy and Charlie
Shanda, My heart is literally broken. So, I can only imagine what you're feeling right now. I am so sorry! This is so unfair!! We will continue to pray for you & your family's strength. ❤️
Continued prayers for your family. Cole touched people like myself who never met him. I will never forget that amazing boy. #teamcole4ever
Prayers and love.
My heart bursts with sadness for you. I am so deeply sorry, Shanda and Steve. You did everything you possibly could - - amazing parents-- and you supported and loved him through such a difficult journey. All my love and prayers today and the coming months.
We are in awe of all of you, your strength, your courage and your tremendous grace in an unimaginable journey. Our prayers continue for all of you Roland and a Ginny Bromert
No words! I'm sorry!
May our Lord wrap you in his mercy and give you strength. We are continuing prayers for your whole family as part of the community of believers who care about each other. May the prayers of so many hug you each day as the dawn rises anew.
My heart breaks for you. Please know we are praying for you and your family during this difficult time.
When words are hard if not impossible to find, I hope that you and Steve are able to feel the thoughts and prayers of all who love you. ❤️
Love you! 💛 Prayers for you & Steve.
I don't know you (my sister Becky does). I don't want to say anything trite to you - I just want to hold you in my arms and let you weep all over my shirt and down my back for as long as you wish. I long to hear "Hi Momma" just one more time from my oldest son, but I never will. Take time to decide all things in your near future - nothing has to be decided NOW and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Take time to process, to heal, to rejuvenate, then to laugh once again. My Team Cole bracelet will continue to be worn to remind me of my commitment to pray for you and your husband and family.
Shanda - The loss of a child is something no parent should have to endure and a club no one wants to be a member of. I understand your pain and the empty feeling inside because I have experienced it as well. Lucky for me, I got to have my daughter for 23 years instead of just 7. It's been almost 14 1/2 years and it still hurts. My heart breaks for you as I know the emptiness, pain and heartache you are talking about. It is not something you will ever get over but God will help you learn to live without Cole in time, as hard as it will be. Please know I am sending up prayers for you and your family because this may be the most difficult thing you ever have to endure. Hugs, love, thoughts and prayers.
I didn't know Cole but I have been praying for him, you & Steve. I'm am so sorry and my heart breaks for you & the family! Nothing could be worse than losing your child! My thoughts and prayers are with all the family.
Continued prayers for you and Steve. I'm so sorry, Shanda.
I'm so sorry. Sending you all my love. ❤️
I am so sorry Shanda and Steve. This is the worst journey you will ever travel through in your lives and you will never get over it. Just hold tight to one another and love each other through it. Cole would want that for you. He loved you both and though his journey has ended he would want you to continue together through yours.
Shanda, I have no words. Only heartbreak. I cannot even begin to express my sorrow. I am so very sorry. Sending you, Steve and your family great love and so many prayers.
Galen and I spent some time crying together tonight, with Galen talking about playing basketball with Cole and how crazy fast Cole was. Cole touched so many people, and your sharing the stories of this journey has meant so much. We're so sorry.
Wow Bonnie Spielman's post are truly words of wisdom and words from God. Steve & Shanda look to her words when things between you two get tough as they will. Loving each other & talking to each other sharing your heart with each other, staying open to each other, and respecting each other. Embrace each other for who you are and embrace the other for who they are.
I'm sorry Shanda!! Please know the Lawrence's from Overland Park are sending our love, support and prayers for you and your family. John Lawrence
I'm sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.
Thinking of you and your family and praying for strength and that His arms wrap around you for comfort and peace.
You have been and remain in our thoughts and prayers. There are no words of condolence that will suffice, but know that we are all here for you.
Thank You for sharing the story of Cole with people you don't know. I don't know you, your family, and didn't get a chance to meet sweet Cole. But I know others who do, they light up when talking about Cole, his spirit and his fight. Sending many thoughts to your family and to all who have the honor of knowing Cole, or knowing of his fight.
Thinking of you, Steve and family. Everyone here at Hope House has been praying and will continue with prayers. There are SO MANY that care. Love to you and family. Mary Lois
Shanda and Steve - It shouldn't be this way. You are surrounded by love, including Cole's love, which will never leave you. Praying for your family. -Jennifer
Shanda & Steve, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you. Prayers your way. Jolene
We have not met but I have kept up as a member of the Sacred Heart CHurch community as we have kept Cole and your family in our prayers. I have appreciated reading your posts. I can't imagine the heartbreak you are going through but I can tell by your words that you are a strong woman with LOTS of people who care, and I pray that helps you get through. I hope my husband has a chance to meet your young guy in heaven as Cole will surely bring a smile to his face by the sounds of it! Sending hugs and prayers.
Our hearts are breaking for your family. Please know that we are holding you all close in thought and prayer. JoAnna & Lee Crane
I've been trying to find the right words to say ever since I heard the horrible news Saturday morning.should I post or not what can I say to let you know sorry I am or that my heart is breaking for your family and that I can't imagine the horrible hole in your hearts you'll carry on forever. I question our God and why He thought Cole was needed in Heaven right now. That I'll never understand until I meet Him. I trust that there is reason although it's really hard to see right now. I pray for you and your family for strength and hope to get you through the bad times and for you and Steve's love to remain forever strong just like your neverending love for Cole. I was blessed to know Cole the past couple years at Shs and he was the sweetest, most polite little guy around with an amazing grin that lit up a room. Pat has always been sweet to me and I know it runs in your family even though I didn't have the pleasure of knowing you and Steve, but you both seem as good as gold to me. Thank you for your blog I followed so closely these past months and know that you are an amazing mother and Cole is smiling down on your family thanking you for what a great job you do in everything. God bless you all and I pray for peace and comfort during these trying times. #TeamCole.#forever.
I am sorry- I am sending you both big hugs. It is hard to imagine, but the celebration of life will help you and uplift you ... i know.
Love and hugs for you both!
My heart aches with you and we've never met. May God wrap his loving arms around you and yours and impart his life, and wholeness. May you feel His hand taking yours and know intimacy that Cole gave you in His Presence. Lord, God please come and fill Cole's family with joy in the midst of sorrow and strength when they are weak, and give purpose in place of meaninglessness, so they will overcome this world and be steadfast in Newfoundland trust that only comes when we seek you as we face losing everything we ever wanted. In our emptiness, you can fill us. With your life