Wednesday, June 15th

Cory always has this thing he says to me, and even when we fight or get frustrated with each other he tells me “I love you more than anything in this world”.
 
Last night I facetimed with him, and he said it to me. And I just lost it. I was really, truly sure I would never hear him say those words to me again. We all know too well how often things can change suddenly and our whole world is just flipped.
 
Cory has been an anomaly to the doctors since day one. He just crashes with no warning, or he has fluid levels that are just insane, but his body doesn’t show any sign of it. He’ll get labs back and they just have no idea what is wrong. He’s also always been an anomaly to me too, but that’s just part of who he is. Maybe the anomaly worked in our favor this time.
 
Cory is not only sitting in his chair, but he’s talking, making sense, his levels all look good, and he is able to carry on conversation. His speech therapy didn’t go super great, but with being intubated that long they are not at all surprised. They’ll try again today so he can hopefully eat real food again soon. He is very weak, and he is just not allowed to drink fluids or eat food yet, his swallowing isn’t where they want it to be. He could aspirate on the fluids, so he has to settle for ice chips. He apparently is already trying to pull his first scam, by keeping the cup, letting the ice melt, and trying to drink it. He is as stubborn as he always was. (Audrey took away the cup he tried to hide in his bed, he is fine).
 
We are out of one set of woods for now, but we are not in the total clear here. Cory will be starting occupational and physical therapy today and it will be very frustrating. He also has an ejection fraction of about 10% and will very likely have defibrillations again. But we have made it this far many times, we can make it again. He’s ready for the fight.
 
I called this morning because I couldn’t sleep, and he’s officially graduated to a three hour dialysis instead of the twelve hour, which is another awesome step (I mean, its happening right now so TBD but it sounds like its going well). If he can handle the three hour it means he’s another step closer to leaving the CICU and heading to a regular room. If all continues to go well, he may be on regular dialysis three times a week.
 
One week ago today they handed me his wedding ring in a bag. Today I’m going to give it back.
 
Thank you to everyone who has called, texted, messaged, left cards, visited me and who have visited Cory. To my family that have been so supportive and can talk about silly things as much as the serious things, but mostly send animal pictures. Thank you to our other family, that travelled or contacted from Door County, North Carolina, Minneapolis, La Farge, Waukesha, Green Bay, New Orleans, California, Oklahoma, New York and of course, Riverwest and Bayview. Thank you to all the amazing people I work with and for, who have shown nothing but love and support.
 
I know there have been a lot of offers out there to me on a regular basis and even if I haven’t taken you up on them, it’s nice to know that I have so many people who are ready to help if I need it. Thank you to my camp family (which is surprisingly a lot of my real family too) that carried on what I couldn’t be there for. I miss you guys this week. I miss my work family too. I will say though, the hospital staff have been a little surprised at how many people who visit are in some way connected to The Clare. A few of them even plan to check it out sometime.
 
I don’t know what our lives are going to look like, but that’s really not important. One day at a time for now. I have a lot of up feelings and down feelings and all the in between, but that’s okay. Acknowledge the feelings, there’s no wrong way to deal with this, as my therapist is teaching me. Everyone would do something different, for all aspects of this ordeal, but that doesn’t make it wrong or bad. I’ve been trying to give myself the leniency to do what I need to do for me, without guilt or beating myself up for watching The Office for like the 1,000 time. Or for eating carry-out and letting the La Croix cans pile up.
 
I’m not sure if you guys knew this, but I used to LOVE watching Grey’s Anatomy, which I have not done since Cory was diagnosed last February. But over the last couple of days, one quote keeps popping into my mind. “In the darkness there is fear, but there is also hope”.