The Good, the Bad, and the Sweaty

Being in rehab has highs and lows - and very lows - but I'm so excited by the very highs I've had this week.

The great progress this week came as a well timed boost for my spirits after the frustration and stress of increased spasms in my leg muscles last Thursday and Friday. They decreased over the weekend but came back to haunt me through my successes this week.

Monday was rough as Andy and another PT tried to have me take steps with just the two of them - something I had done briefly with Alex and Andy. I hardly made it six steps though I was covered in sweat and felt like I'd expended enough energy for a marathon. I was disappointed to not make it very far, but I rested well Monday night and felt ready to work hard Tuesday morning. It was just Andy and me, but I stood up between the parallel bars with greater ease than I ever have and quickly found a good position. It gave me a boost of confidence, and I told Andy, "I think I can walk." He stood close by as I took steps on my own between the bars. We had a second session later in the afternoon, and Jo happened to be in the physiohalle and took a few pictures of me to share as I walked back and forth half a dozen times with Andy nearby.

After a few successful turns, I stumbled a bit. In a single instant, I was convinced I heard my foot break and lost all confidence in my knees; both legs gave out, but Andy caught me before I fell too far. I was unable to regain my balance though, and Andy had to pull a chair under me before helping me back into the wheel chair. Near tears, I made Andy check that my foot wasn't broken. In that moment, I realized how disconnected my brain was from my foot - if it was broken, I was terrified that the messages couldn't get to my brain because it didn't feel any different.

Back in the wheelchair, I felt completely drained. It was my best and worst day all wrapped into one, and I was left a sweaty mess with barely enough energy to wheel myself back to my room.

I was more cautious on Wednesday as Karin helped me practice using my abs to balance while standing and sitting. She had watched me stumble with Andy and wasn't going to let me do that again.

I was super tired yesterday, but I had the best possible motivation to work hard - artwork and cards from Autumn and Wilson which now hang on my wall. In the physiohalle, Andy and Alex decided to try some show inserts to help my feet stay straight rather than letting my toes hang limp. Walking was much easier with the inserts, and I made it through the bars with Alex behind me for safety. Once I reached the end, Andy was waiting to hold my left hand as I just used the right side of the bars.

We put the inserts in again today and tried the same routine though instead of Andy's hand, I held a four-footed walking stick. When I each end the end, they let me rest before moving the bars forward and having me walk with the one bar and one stick again.
"Are you ready?" Alex asked me.
"Yes," I told her with confidence.
"Good, because you don't have a choice," she smiled.
We joked about how pleased they were that I was covered in sweat in my final steps because it proved I was working hard. They told me every PT hopes to see sweaty people all day. By the end of the lesson I had walked nearly half the length of the physiohalle - about fifteen meters. When I was back in my chair, I had to hold back tears at seeing how far I had made it. As Andy took the shoe inserts out, he told me he was proud of the progress I've made.
"Next week we try two sticks," he told me, "You're too young to stay in a wheelchair."

That was the first time I've heard anyone imply I'll walk again without including a caveat of having a wheelchair. It wasn't a promise, but it certainly was a boost of hope.