Infected

There are a lot of things I've been trying to figure out how to put out in public here. My thoughts are multitudinous stars, and I struggle to form them into constellations - however, I must try (before you commend my poetic skills, please note I shamelessly stole the analogy from John Green; kudos nerdfighters who didn't need to be told). Please bear with me as I try to connect the thoughts.

During my long, dark nights of agonizing pain in the hospital, I would put in my headphones and turn up Demon Hunter until Ryan Clark's screams were louder than my pain. I don't have to crank it up so loud anymore, but who wouldn't want to continue to listen to Ryan Clark serenade you at full volume. Seriously, he has one of the most beautiful and diverse voices ever. Anyways, the refrain of "Infected" was stuck in my head as I fell asleep last night which I found to be rather ironic for reasons I will momentarily reveal.

I find myself in a strange position here as hundreds of strangers are reading this and eager to know the punch line - why is "Infected" an ironic song to listen to in my condition? Before I tell you, I have to take a minute to focus on the key word "strangers" in the last sentence. I was talking to someone yesterday who asked me if I was such a forward person before my accident. Honestly, my mother raised me to be a paragon of polite to everyone I met. Those who know me can laugh because once I have established a close friendship, my filters fall away and I'm an open book. However, it usually takes time for me to feel close to someone to reveal my personal emotions to them. I never minded telling people personal facts, but that was always separate from private reflection upon those facts.

Here I feel a certain need to share my emotions as they are a very critical part of my recovery. Sharing so much makes me feel very vulnerable, but I also don't feel that it makes me particularly closer to strangers reading this; I just feel unequally exposed because it's not building a relationship with any other individual when I share my reflections. I also feel the need to share critical parts of my recovery that are at times like these sensitive and previously private; I've tried to avoid being too explicit in some things though now I feel less capable of maintaining my euphemistic expressions. You see, ever since I was about three, going to the bathroom was a private experience. Now, however, I'm incapable of any bathroom functions on my own. Furthermore, when objects are stuck into exit only orifices, infections are inevitable.

Now we arrive at the punchline: I have my first of potentially many bladder infections. If my body doesn't heal this system, I'm expected to have three to five a year. Because there are still disconnections in my body's signal systems, my body struggled to tell me I had the infection through pain signals; instead it chose to drastically increase the leg tremors and spasms for several days this week and last.

I'm on antibiotics now and the spasms are much better though the infection is not completely gone and still causes a lot of discomfort. I share this grossly personal information with you not because it can create a bond between us but because I crave your personal prayers. The infection is a fact about me; it does not define me just as my inability to walk on my own does not change who I am as a person. You know a great deal about my internal functions if you've read this whole wordy and intimate post, but you don't really know me intimately. Unless you let me hold three of your four children on the day they were born, coached my mini league basketball and were my AWANA leader, took me to ride a shark, spawned/gave birth to me, or gave birth to my nephew, you are probably not one of the most influential people in my life (I say probably because there are a few other hugely influential people in my life but the eight people who can claim any one of those are the top of the list). However, that does not diminish my love for you. I'm so grateful for every single stranger, acquaintance, colleague, friend, and family member who reads my blog and hits their knees in prayer or sends up positive thoughts for me because they care. In the words of Valerie from V for Vendetta, "What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."