Never Say Die

My posts here have slowed down, but that's only because my life hasn't. I had some high and low and hilarious moments over the past two weeks. Just after my last post, I received an email from REHAB that my insurance had overlooked a $47,000 payment to them for my treatment during April of last year. I spent the next week emailing them and my insurance and reading over diagnosis reports from my five month hospital stay. Honestly, it was a little traumatic. I've come so far, and it's great to celebrate that, but I don't like being jerked back into details retellings of the painful and dependent position I was in a year ago. It certainly didn't help that this came up the day before my German tax meetings where I also had to go through months of medical bills and receipts and explain my payments and reimbursements to a tax consultant. It was pretty stressful. This week also marked the end of the post-season for the Blazers which was emotionally rough.

Fortunately, there were also plenty of moments to laugh and celebrate over the last two weeks, and I'm so grateful for them. I had the joy of writing the first recommendation letter for a student to my alma mater; one day, I taught my class wearing my graduation robe after telling my students I only got my masters for the bat wings; I got an email from an RA telling me her students really enjoy my class; I got to have dinner and hang out with Jo.

As I report on my holistic healing, these factors become more significant. I've recognized that the emotional factors influence my energy and stamina. Emails with insurance agents cause me to shrink back with anxiety; conversations with students give me renewed vigor to improve physically. I don't have any news to report about physical changes, but I do still get up and live each day pushing through difficulties and paradoxically earning and waiting for new improvements.

I still have to decide every morning whether I'll live or die. Living this way isn't easy, but it's so worth it. My other option is to stay in bed and rot when my alarm goes off, but to me that isn't a real option. Goonies never say die.