Take a Stand

Last week there was a small adjustment to my therapy schedule as I had a special hour long session with Anja to try something we'd attempted in earlier half hour sessions with limited success. When I showed up, I sat down in a chair in the therapy room and removed my shoes. Anja and I had a great conversation while she massaged my calves and relaxed my ankles. The drop foot keeps the muscles below my knees ridiculously tight. Eventually, she got my feet to stay put flat on the floor and asked me to lift my heel while she held one hand on the top of my foot and the other on the back of my calf.

It's a good thing I trust my therapists. Whenever they ask me to move muscles I don't have control over, I have the potential to get discouraged. I obey, but always question whether any of the motion is coming from me. They always insist there is a flicker from me first before they complete the motion. I know this to be true because after months of the same request from Margot, I can finally feel what she is talking about with the muscles in my butt and hips. Anja repeated the same answer - I was starting the movement and she stimulated the muscles to complete it. 

Once we'd done this for a significant amount of time, Anja pushed me in the chair close to the raised table and the exciting part began. For some context, I'm capable of standing, but it's nothing like your ability to stand or what mine was like before my accident. I always feel like my posture is out of whack. Most of that is related to the drop foot because it's so difficult to get my feet to stand flat on the floor. Even when I can, my calves are so tight that the ankles constantly are fighting to turn out and return the muscles above to a shortened position. Even when my feet make it flat to the ground, I'm always wobbling and unsure of my position and usually have an awkward arch in my spine as I fight to keep myself upright.

This time when I stood, none of that happened. My feet were flat; my spine was stacked. Anja instructed me to shift my weight from side to side and see if any spasms came. My ankles stayed steady and calm. I began to get excited. Eventually, I lowered my arms from the table and stayed still, feet firmly planted and shoulders relaxed. Anja continued to instruct me in different tests of moving my arms and shifting weight, but my ankles kept their cool. This was one of the most exciting moments of the last two years as it was the first time since my accident that I felt like I was standing like a normal person. I never wanted to sit down.

Eventually, my legs did get tired, and my ankles decided we were done. Anja helped me sit down and she told me that she was proud of me. That brief experience was honestly one of the happiest moments of my life so far - to have that joy of simply standing with good posture after two years of hard work and hunched shoulders. I still have a long way to go, but it was quite the celebration.