Paralysis Sucks

I'm not lying when I share the sunshine in my life. I really do love the opportunity I have to teach bright, intelligent, inquisitive students. I also celebrate the chances I have to make physical improvements like walking with Hunter this week from my house almost into the center of town without my braces. We took off a couple times to see how far I could make it, and the first time I was excited to have good form all the way to Grüber, and the second time I thought I wouldn't make it as far but blew past there almost all the way to the hardware store. I relish in the chance to tell you these things.

I also don't want to hide from you the hurt of being disabled. This Tuesday I heard from the fourth place I sent an inquiry to about my totalization year* with a fourth rejection. It was a friendly "Sorry, we can't house a wheelchair user" response. I teared up a little, but then I had to go to work. I arrived having momentarily plastered a smile over the pain only to discover that all the copiers and printers in my building weren't working. The only functioning copier on campus was on the top floor of the main building which has yet to have a functioning elevator. Slightly panicked after various troubleshooting attempts, I changed my entire lesson five minutes before the bell and wheeled into class thinking I could manage a flawless lesson.

Well, thank God for grace, because I fumbled through my lecture not having practiced and revised the prezi for this particular group. I was distracted differently through the second section as well, and I realized mid lesson that it was likely connected to my unprocessed emotions of a series of disability related hiccups that I hadn't yet made sense of. I went home prepared to buy some chocolate and cry about it, but a sudden downpour made it impossible for me to wheel myself with slick rims to purchase the necessary chocolate to eat my feelings. Fortunately, my neighbor was making a Hieber run and offered to pick up some chocolate for me which made one less thing awful about the day. And, to be clear, this was also one of the days I walked with Hunter, so there were other positives and things to celebrate. It just happened to have an unusually high number of things go wrong that would not have gone wrong if my legs worked properly. 

Again, I hope you hear me clearly that some amazing things happened this week - I got to read Ephesians out loud with Jordyne over skype and talk about the beauty of a Creator who made things orderly and an apostle who thought through the implications of his arguments in an ordered and beautiful way; I got to have pico de gallo with a handful of students on Thursday; and I have dueling TAs who are wonderful and helpful and say nice things to me when I'm stressed. I cherish these things when the hard stuff comes, and it does come in heavy doses. I have to deal with teaching on a campus that isn't fully accessible; I have to leave the job I love for a year to go somewhere brand new that scares me in so many ways; I can't go to my top choices for that year away because I'm still in a wheelchair.

This week in physio Anja worked me hard. She did a whole body workout, and while I was doing leg presses, she was doing crunches with her feet in the air. She rolled her ankles around as we took a pause between reps. "That'll be me next year," I said confidently. She affirmed it without hesitation citing how much I've improved in this last year. I'm not where I want to be physically today, but I'm not giving up. I may not end up at what was my top choice for next year, but I did get an inquiry response that wanted more information rather than rejecting me outright, and I've found a new option that may even be better than my previous top choice. God has a way of giving me better than what I dream of, so I'll keep you posted on the inquiries and applications as I learn more.

*I'm not actually sure I've explained totalization on my blog. It's common knowledge to people in this community and most of my friends. With the visa I have that allows me to teach in Germany, I'm allowed to stay here for five consecutive years then must leave for a period of time before returning for another five years. This time away is called "totalization," and is only a requirement that I leave Germany. As an American, it has to be 366 days (Australians and Canadians, for example, only have to leave for 60 days which can be done during our summer break). I've prayed a lot about how I'd like to spend that year as professional development to return to BFA, and I'm pursuing options that take several physical (medical), professional, and spiritual factors into account. I appreciate all your prayers as I pursue the various options before me.