Coming Out

Today feels like the right day to come out.  To share with the world wide web that I have breast cancer.  Why today, I don't know, but I do know there have been these moments where I have been clearly ready to share my story, with a friend, family member, employer, coworker, etc.  I just go with my heart and my instinct.

Anyways, I guess a good way to start this process is to go through my journey up to this point.  One friend told me, every cancer journey is completely different and never to forget or compare.  She was completely accurate, and that is why I think it is important to share. I have learned if I have one chat or read one post on the internet that I can relate to in one minor way, it makes a world of difference in my day and journey.  Yes, my story is unique but there are many people feeling and thinking the same way as me.  I am not alone and that is a big deal!

In the past 14 months I have lost my father to cancer and my mother to a botched procedure at that hospital, so needless to say I have not spent much time caring for myself.  In November of 2015 I decided I needed to get my act together, stop wallowing in my sorrow, get back on track and start taking care of myself.  First step, make an appointment for a complete physical, so I spent the day at the clinic which included a mammogram.  I am sure you can guess where this goes. Since then I have had multiple mammograms, ultrasounds, biopsies, additional tests, the removal of some lymph nodes and a lumpectomy.

I believe the two most difficult things I have dealt with is the unknown and never being prepared for what the doctors share with me.  I began with just having DCIS, to having breast cancer as well as another cancer that spread to my breast (fyi the other cancer was a false positive - grateful!).  Then I was told I had DCIS with micro invasive cancer.  On January 26th, I had a lumpectomy and some lymph nodes removed.  As of today I have been told the cancer is invasive, aggressive and much larger than they thought.  The really good news is my none in my lymph nodes!  I have my first appointment with my oncologist to discuss chemo, and next steps.

I keep trying to remind myself of the positives - only breast cancer (which is extremely beatable), and it has not spread.  I know this alone should be enough for me to fight, but for some reason there are these days, like today, I am scared, feel alone, am numb, and just want to give up.  I absolutely know this is not an option and would never do so, but there are days that I am trying to accept as my "give up" days.  I am allowed "give up" days and it does not make me weak - it makes me human.  Most of the time my "give up" day, ends with me rallying based on some specific moment - I want to drive my kids to a birthday party and watch their beautiful faces smile and laugh; my peer at work and I agreed to wear jeans to a Friday meeting and I cannot let her do it alone; but most of all, cancer does not define or control me!