To Wig or not to Wig . . . That is the Question
Today Greg and I spent about four hours at Princess Margaret Cancer Hospital (PMH) getting prepared for our first chemo treatment on Thursday. We had lots to do there today . . . check on my blood work to ensure I am healthy enough to start chemo; meet with the oncologist to understand the process and ask any final questions, such as will I really lose my eyelashes; made an appointment with the look good/feel good/wig shop to learn how to pencil in my eyebrows, as well as purchase a few items; and pick up all my prescriptions and learn how to take before and after chemo. Boy, that place is really exhausting.
I am trying to determine what makes me completely drained and ready to give up when I leave PMH . . . is it the long amount of time I typically spend at PMH, the mental stress that is placed upon my shoulders as they continue to compound the bad news, or how I feel the minute I step foot in the cancer hospital and become one of the many cancer patients? As I have typically frequented PMH at least twice a week since the end of November, I have had lots of time to ponder this mystery. Of course ultimately I am sure it is a combination of the above.
Typically when I walk through the PMH doors and look around I feel like I am in the wrong place - I don't belong here. I am young, healthy, and there is no way I have cancer (ha don't I fucking wish). But after my visit, I realized that after today I will look like one of them . . . a cancer patient . . . someone stricken by this awful horrible disease that has affected just about everyone we know in one way or another. Wow. Deep.
So this leads me to the title of this journal entry "To Wig or not to Wig". My oncologist stated my hair will most likely start to fall out within two days of my first treatment on Thursday due to the aggressive cocktail they are going to mix up for me. He stated by the time I go to my next treatment, two weeks from Thursday, my hair will be gone. So I have a few choices with the hair loss . . . just let it fall out on its own . . . cut my hair real short so the hair loss won't feel as drastic or hurt . . . or just get out the clippers and take it all off this weekend. This seems like it may be a difficult decision for some, but for me it is clear as day . . . my husband will be taking it off with the clippers as we celebrate my 43 birthday this weekend. My reasoning is very simple. I do not need the distraction of my hair falling out while I am in a meeting with my peers, employees or my leaders. I do not need to freak the shit out of my children with my hair falling out or feeling like it is being pulled out (doc said that is how it feels for some) while I am cuddling with my lil angles. And most importantly (I am noticing I write in "threes" and the third is always my main point) I am a fighter and a warrior, and thus I need to shave my head to get into my warrior super hero mode ASAP as I have a tough battle ahead of me!
So then what? I will be bald. I will have no hair. And how will my body be responding to my first chemo treatment? Will I be okay? Of course not! I would be lying to myself if I said I will not start balling my eyes out as my husband starts the clippers and takes the first pass through. I am sure I won't be okay for the remainder of the weekend. I will cry and feel sorry for myself and have a couple "give up" days. But I would be foolish not to expect that, and I know it's totally okay for me to feel like this or even worse if I need to. Luckily for me, I will have my two lil angels around me (which I have already been preparing them for mommy with no hair), my loving husband, and one my closest bestest friends near me for this monumental few days.
Okay, so once I get through my "give up" days, then what, will I wig or will I not? For the past few weeks I have spent lots of time pondering this, and as of today, my answer has been consistently "not to wig". This is a battle, a fight, and will most likely be one of the toughest things I will go through in my life. I intend on fighting hard through this, and I want to look in the mirror and see the warrior I am. I may cry some days but then I will suit up with one of the many hot Hermes scarves my super fantastic friend let me borrow and go out into the world and own my cancer! As of today (which of course I can change my mind at any time), I want to wear my battle loud and proud. If people feel uncomfortable around me too fucking bad! They have a choice . . . look away if it makes them feel uncomfortable, or they can look at me and be reminded that every single one of us goes through struggles in life, and they have a choice just like me . . . be a victim or be a warrior.
Comments (12)
You are a Super Hero Bobbie and you'll be rocking those scarves for sure!
I like that the woman in the hospital whose job it is to sell wigs to other women with cancer told Bobbie that there just wasn't enough women who wanted to go into battle sporting their bald head proudly and that if it made someone else uncomfortable to see Bobbie that way then "F them!" The exclamation point is hers, not mine. She said it very emphatically like that. It's much easier for me to picture my beautiful wife with a bald head and no makeup except for a little eye brows drawn on than in some silly wig that she probably wouldn't like anyway.
Everyone is different! For me- I chose to shave it off- If I had to lose my hair, it'll be on MY terms- not the Weapons given me to kill the Alien invaders. Yet- while we all deal with the battle differently, I chose a Military perspective- (funny given I was at UC Berkeley in the 60's , and didn't get drafted for Vietnam due to a high Draft#- and was also against the war- yet in this battle- a military operation worked for me) - I never had a chemo treatment and never called it my Oncologists Effusion Center- it was my Base Camp where I went to get provisioned and re-armed- and all day and every night, I imagined the billions of Rambo's effused into me were killing the Alien enemy with no quarter- no mercy - and no prisoners- any cell that looked funny was to be EVICERATED- "I'm here for another treatment" never crossed my lips- instead- "I'm here to be re-armed". The receptionist did a double take only once- Exercise hard- every day- 1 Hour- builds up the immune system- gets more Oxygen to the cells- builds confidence- and might very well blunt the cumulative effects- KILL IT- You are not alone- after your 1st armaments- you will know what to expect and have the confidence to know how you will react- then fight- DO NOT give in to it- you cannot be passive- the energy you need IS there- just tap into it (believe me- it would have been easy to to just lie in bed and do nothing)... Kill it- you are not alone. Fred
Sis. I will shave my head too. I am serious. To show my love and support for you. You are my blood, I would do anything for you. I want to hug an hold you so much. I will be here for you in any way I can. I love you sis. You got this battle won already. Hair doesn't make you the person you are, it's what's inside and how you we're raised. Your heart and soul yours are stunning. Just like you. Lemme know the shave time with Greg...... Sam and I will be ready too. My hairs thinning anyway, plus I haven't had it cut in about 2 years. Plus Sam and I can really look alike. They say when you get older, you start to look like your spouse. Lmao Yea and too fucking bad for the gawkers, they can SWERVE. LOVE YOU SIS❤💞💓💕😘
Oh and by the way. Drawn on eye brows, are the new fad that came back. I know you'll ROCK them.
To wig or not to wig is one thing that you will have control over. One of my friends did the nude skull, Hermes scarves and a little pink bob wig just for fun. Maybe even some artwork for your new canvas. If your head feels cold, which it might, a cap or hat for outside. Please don't forget to protect the head from the sun. Your hair will grow back and may be totally different. For now I celebrate the warrior and fuck is such a satisfying word. Happy anniversary you two, love you both 😘 . Hard to believe how many years have passed since that beautiful celebration. I will be praying for you on Thursday and holding you close in my thoughts. You are a strong woman who is taking on the cancer, which is invading your body uninvited. As you suggest it will be tough on all of you, but I have no doubt that you will kick this motherfucker to the curb. Yes indeed my money is on the Goldie's. Xoxo
Bobbie, it all seems so overwhelming when you look a the whole picture, but look at the milestones you she already made. Every time you step into that hospital, you are checking another visit, another milestone, off the list that ends at your last treatment. Sure you'll have bad days, but you will have good days too and you will cherish them like never before. Shave that head and wear it like the warrior that you are. And when you don't feel like a warrior, do some online shopping 😊 💪🏻👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻
Bobbie, Hermes is one letter short for HEROES so do it with pride & know you are a hero braving a battle that is yours & won!! Wear it like a cape! You are an inspiration to those angels & to all! Hair grows back - don't sweat the small stuff & my motto (braving my battle - as we all have one) is.....nor today, not today - I am NOT the one!
You can be bald with me! :) another beautiful perk of going bald as a woman raising another bright young woman (as Abbey will soon be regardless of how much you would rather keep her as a beautiful baby) and a strong young man (again Ayden will grow up just as fast), is that you will also be teaching them that beauty is not dependent on the length, color, texture, or style of hair on a woman. Nor, is the beauty of a woman determined by how she wears makeup or if she bothers with makeup at all. Women are beautiful just as they are, including but not limited to what she wears, how her body looks, how much hair she has, how intelligent she is, what her life is/was like, and the love and passion she holds within her soul. Rock the baldness, stand taller with pride knowing that you are a fighter and that you are better and stronger than this disease. In addition, think of all the cool scarves you can wear now so that your head doesn't get a sunburn! I know Abbey and Ayden would probably love to help you pick some out as well. :)
You are a brave, inspiring fighter! We can all learn from your spirit. Embrace your choice and never look back - use that energy to waste this scourge. My prayers will be with you all the way.
Bobbie & Greg: Good luck today at your first session, one session at a time you will conquer this disease. One of my favourite episodes of Sex in the City is when sexy Samantha is speaking at a conference about her conquering breast cancer and abruptly pull off her wig and says "f*** it" - best scene ever- she would be in your camp. Educate the world around you on the freedom of not caring what other think and doing what is best for you. Hope to see you soon to raise a toast to you and the family!! Good thought sent you way today, Kris & Andy💓💓💪💪💓💓🌟🌟💐💐
The way I look at it Bobbie, is you can start experimenting with your look. You can try different wigs, lengths, colours, styles....and the eyebrows! Oh, you can do Charlie Chaplin ones, Groucho Marx ones...you can even draw on Lightning bolts to match your new superhero persona! Whatever you choose to do, it's yours. Keep smiling when you can. Cindy